Simplicity

I have 2 more weeks to go before school starts again for the FINAL time. Yes, I am going to graduate with an honours degree in political science. Perhaps, I have become 'smarter' in the four years - in the way I think and write. But have I become wiser? Not really. Somewhere in the bible, it says that knowledge puffs up, and I can really relate to that; especially in the way I talk. Sometimes, I wonder if it is intentional or not. Conversations with people are usually dripped with political overtones. Talk about Jesus, and I will look at Him as a political revolutionary, or a social activist, or I'll try to reconcile evangelism with social action. Talk about almost anything you read in the Straits Times, and I will probably give my two cents worth of democracy and meritocracy and the blah. Talk about anything that exists outside Singapore - America, Southeast Asia, Israel - and I will look at them in terms of state behavior and foreign policies.

I always wonder if I actually do make any sense when I talk to people from other disciplines. Some of my more patient friends will usually stop me in my tracks with questions like: "I lost you on that instance, what is post-modernism?" I really do appreciate those questions, because it forces me to stop and explain those concepts which I have taken for granted to be understood. And sometimes, it is the simplest of terms that is the hardest to explain - justice, law, freedom, and power.

And thus to me, it is worth pondering for a moment and consider Jesus Christ, the wisest and smartest of all Mankind, who is able to reposition Himself within the linguistic realm of a fisherman and say: 'Come, follow me, and I'll make you fishers of men'. That He is able to simplify, but not necessarily dumb down, His philosophy of life and connect with the 'lesser' mortals suggests that there is something mysterious about wisdom that knowledge cannot provide.

As I think about the way I have related myself to people this year, I feel that the ability to connect is a very important but neglected area of my life that I hope to improve next year. It is probably important not so much because I have a fetish to 'spread' political science to people. But increasingly, I feel that I have somewhat alienated myself a bit because of my inability to 'depoliticize' myself in the praxis of everyday life. Also, I figured out that I may not necessarily have a political scientist as my wife in the future. That means I better start doing something about depoliticizing my language.

I guess most importantly - and this is something that I drew inspiration from Pastor D - is that there are strands of political science that are of fundamental importance in Christianity as well. Social justice and poverty are just two of the wide array of issues that both politics and christianity have a lot to talk about. Read Luke and you get a sense of what I mean. Today, I had a chance to listen to Pastor D's perspectives on the state of Christianity in Singapore (For the ISD spybots: No, he did not break any rules because the perspectives weren't made in a public sermon, but over a mere conversation); how the over-reliance by the population to depend on the government for welfare have actually numbed our senses for us to extend kindness to one another at a very practical manner. For instance, talk about the elderly, and maybe the MediShield and the CPF comes to mind. Likewise, the foreign domestic workers will have the Ministry of Manpower to protect them. The lower class Singaporeans are protected by GST hikes (Note that there are certain degrees of myths in these policies, which I don't wish to comment here). However, it is quite rare for an average middle class Singapore citizen to establish genuine, deep and substantial friendships with some of these groups of people, or take the extra mile (ala the Good Samaritan) to look into their spiritual and emotional needs. Yet the gospels challenge one to do so. Pastor D is someone who can explain the big politics and philosophies of the day to a youth and fires up his mind to think deeper on how to extend help to non-Singaporeans and other marginalized communities in Singapore.

While knowledge that puffs up is somewhat known as pride, I feel that it is even worse if the 'knowledgeable' dude is unable to contribute to society because of his inability to connect.

Instruction for all friends of jimmy in 2007: Challenge him to simplify when he doesn't make sense!

A warm christmas

It has been an unexpectedly nice christmas. Perhaps it was due to my lack of preparation for the christmas cards and all, and I wasn't expecting a lot of gifts and stuff like that cos I kind of went into hermit mode for much of the year. So it was really heartwarming to receive cards with really spot-on messages and words of encouragement. And there is also this sense of encouragement too from the boys; saw lionel in church and he might come back to our cell; shengwei told his mom he wants to join the worship team, and aunty janice was wondering what miracle had church camp did to him; Hewlett seems to be quite ready to take over the cell for next year; which gives me the capacity to focus at a more cluster level. Had a really good time doing christmas shopping with danger dan, despite our really poor discipline in time management, dragging lunch hours and pushing it to the very last minute to buy wrappers and cards. Buying sophie's toy at mothercare was quite hilarious as well. Though supper at holland with mr dodgy within the youth group was a bit strange. Totally love the photo frame :) Ended Christmas with a tandoori christmas party at jonathon's place in Bishan, where we had a great conversation with ramona's dad. It was also in Bishan that I happened to stumble upon the slightly disturbing huge photos sticking at the walls of catholic high; they look like PAP posters with extremely bad photoshopping. My former school even has a new motto - "A gentleman and a bilingual scholar in the making". I laughed at myself silly. Thank God for a nice and warm christmas.

Time to get Moving

Wow, a week went past and I don't really have much recollections of what I did. I slept a lot, and quite a lot of things that I set out to do were left unaccomplished - writing cards, email friends, shop for a few christmas presents. Gee, I guess the theme for christmas this year is minimalism then. Oops. Actually, I need to save a bit of money for next year.

I heard from Sam, the guy from John3:16 in funan that I can repair my canon CCD for free. Yeah, that would tie in nicely with a certain renewed vigour to relaunch my photography amateur career by pouring in the cash for a canon 400D. Been reading photography books this year, because I got a bit tired of shooting people, strangers, sceneries and architectures. Photography books are interesting because they teach me the history, theory, philosophy and social movements of photography - things that I guess are good to know for photographic 'wisdom', in a digital age when everyone knows the 'knowledge' of shooting.

If 2006 is a slumber year, which isn't that bad, maybe 2007 will be a morning glory. I hope.

A random light headed post

I got a man to stick it out
And make a home from a rented house oh
And we'll collect the moments one by one
I guess that's how the future's done oh

How many acres, how much light
Tucked in the woods and out of sight
Talk to the neighbours and tip my cap
On a little road barely on the map =)

Feist, "Mushaboom"

Twilight Zone

Was talking to vikram in the bus today after some semi-intense xbox session at Cineleisure. He said that he and his friends in NTU are currently in this 'twilight zone' where they aren't exactly sure where they will be heading after year 4. Whereas for much of their life everything was in a systematic order - primary school, secondary school, tertiary, NS, and then uni, the days ahead are harshly ambivalent and uncertain. Yet, there is that sense of just wanting to clear the last semester and move on with life.

I can perfectly understand his year 4 syndrome. I don't know if it gets worse when it comes to post graduate studies. Some people say that when you go onto the track of phd, it is more of a persevering endeavor, rather than an intellectual engagement, especially when you are into the 3rd or 4th year of phd.

Food for thought perhaps. Sometimes, it seems like choices are born out of negativity rather than positivity, in which one chooses the best out of whatever bad options he has. Maybe the situation is made more stark in our society where there is a systematic and technocratic approach to the ends and means of a working life. Meanings and Money are construed in a zero-sum game; the more meaningful a job, say being a musician or a philosopher, the less money you earn; the more money a job offers, say being a banker, the less meaning you have. Blessed are those who find riches in their meanings. Just that my own academic milieu doesn't offer such a possibility, at least not for the next 5 years or so. Even if it does, it is laid with much uncertainties and deadends. I know of a particular professor who did his whole masters and phd on Cold War politics when he was a post grad in the 1970s, and he virtually went from hero to zero after the Soviet meltdown. Now he is basically a king in the molehill, doing research that is really quite boring (at least to me), but I guess he still has a family to feed, and sometimes you just got to do less than idealistic research to get the money going.

I had a totally ridiculous quarrel with my mom last night; I tried to deal with it in the best possible manner, and tried to put my hands, feet, head and body into her shoes, but I simply cannot quite understand what was exactly the fuss all about. Sometimes, I will conveniently categorize such arguments as either: 1) Communication problems, or 2) Religion/Value-system differences.

But deep down, I do think that there is a problem with me, which makes me react in a particular manner to my parents, or rather my non-existent reaction whenever there are problems. Silence seems to be my best form of self preservation. I don't know. I have friends who say that I'm just being a bourgeois who have abstract bourgeois problems that aren't really problems at all (don't worry clem, I don't mean you). Maybe it is true to some degree, but I honestly search my heart and I don't think that it is entirely down to some bourgeois illusions, cos I really try to save before I spend, and I have absolutely poor taste in all things that are considered to be of the 'fine life'.

Maybe vikram is right; year 4 people are just living in a twilight phase. Ecclesiastes seems to be the Book of the Year for me in the last 5 months or so. It doesn't make me a very confident person at all; in school, church or simply in my own social circle of friends.

I'm glad to have this december break. It is like a pit stop in the twilight zone, before I flip the pages of Ecclesiastes again.

In Canberra, I had a chance to talk to T, this 44 year old guy who was in the same summer school with me. He was from UK, married, and has been living in Australia for 15 years. He did not feel that he was too old to do Masters. As a young lad, he said that he was a pretty passionate and idealistic guy. It was passion that led him to Australia. However, the realities of life hit him pretty quickly. Discrimination against his accent and looks (he talks like a working class English and looks like an italian) within his neighbourhood, meant that he found it hard to blend in with his community and even to get a job. Nonetheless, over the years, he was able to reconcile reality and idealism in the sense that he was able to 'restrain' his passion and release it in 'doses' so that his mental idealism matches the practicalities of life. He told me that society might conform our habits and practices, but it will never quite take away our innate zeal for a meaningful life. Now, life gets by for him and his wife, as they take turns to work and support each other's pursuit of ideals and interests.

I'm not sure why I'm bringing up the story of T. Maybe it is just a reminder that somewhere sometime, I'll be able to find some sort of a balance when I'm older and hopefully wiser. I was looking at my 2005 december blog on my 2006 resolutions, and I realized that they don't make sense in some ways, from a 2006 december perspective. The power of the twilight zone...

Hard to wake up from a deep slumber

(Ramblings from Day 4 of my trip in Canberra)

I took a walk today along a creek that flows through ANU. It is a bit hard to describe how the creek looks like. And neither do I have any photos to show, because I only discovered that my camera was spoilt when I was in Changi Airport. Anyway, it was a nice and peaceful walk along the creek, with the sunset diffusing warm rays through the leaves. The creek gradually opens up into a lake. I had quite a good feeling of emotional and mental uplifting; just me with my ipod nano; felt all the burdens, aches and stresses that have been accumulated in the past year slowly dissipating.

I think I like it this way, going to a foreign place without consciously wanting to snap pictures and capture Kodak moments. Memories become mish meshed into some sort of a blurry image at the back of my mind; like a prolonged blissful dream. It is in such a dreamlike state that I can also daydream all day long and put on a silly grin at myself, without being conscious of the people around me, because no one knows who is this guy who is grinning at himself. So I was just there grinning and daydreaming at the lake, and thinking back of joyful moments and events that visit my life once in a while in the past two and a half years – Angkor Wat, Matara, Seoul, Great Wall, Germany, Austria etc.

I must say that God has really blessed me with amazing stuff. I remembered that there were two distinct ‘stifled hopes’ that I did not dare to pray for when I went to FASS in 2004. First, I was hoping that I could write an honours thesis by year 4 although I knew that it was an insurmountable academic mountain to climb after total annihilation in year 1. Second, I was hoping that God could somehow provide me with opportunities to travel, because after I disqualified myself in my exchange to UBC, following the switch from SOC to FASS, I decide that it was best to stay in Singapore to pull up the grades. Somehow, God provided both – through some miracle grades, kind professors, and three unexpected summer schools, even when I wasn’t exactly praying for those things because I was kind of resigned and pessimistic to everything after year 1, not just because of school per se, but because I felt kind of stupid and pathetic in a lot of other things.

Yeah, so the past two and a half years have been, on hindsight, protected and blessed by God, and I just want to say a word of Thank You to Him (and my mortal dad, of whom I kind of over borrowed money at times), and sorry when I’m kind of blinded by my own pessimism and silly melancholy. And sometimes, it is better to stop revisiting those photos that I have taken in the past two and a half years, so that Kodak-moments can mix and match themselves to form a lovely stream of dreams.

Going back to Singapore can be a struggle in the sense that I know it is a matter of saying ‘goodbye’ to my dreamlike mode and the daydreams in my dreamlike mode, and saying ‘hello’ to realities and ‘silenced’ realities; ‘silenced’ in the sense that there are realities that I don’t want to face up to, or that I don’t see the need to. Ignorance is bliss perhaps.

Sitting alone by the lake in ANU, I happened to come across some ducks and black swans which are probably going home or something. The photo above was taken in Amsterdam, but it is more or less the same kind of sweet and lovely formation that I saw in ANU. Later on, I was quite amused by this old couple who were feeding the ducks and swans. For their old bones and age, they sure look pretty child-like in their own world. I hope I can have that kind of life when I am old.

Now that my ‘stifled hopes’ are almost complete – unless somehow I can’t write my thesis for whatsoever reasons – I’m thinking of exercising a bit more faith in future grace by deferring Masters for a year and do Tribute in church. Doing Tribute was something that struck me during an epiphany in Europe, but subsequently I rationalized it away that it can’t be true because I have a knack of getting things wrong in quiet times and prayers. And I figured out that my innate angst against all office politics, bureaucracy and social control will just explode if I do clash with Mount St. Helen in the church reception desk.

But for a few reasons, I got a feeling that I might miss the divine boat or something if I don’t respond to this epiphany. Yeah, will talk to pasta Ian and pastor Joshua soon, maybe Wee Shun too. There are certainly many struggles just thinking about it, so a prayer for me in this aspect would be great. Don’t be harsh on me though, if I decide to continue the Masters’ track.

From Singapore to Canberra...

There has been a flight delay from Singapore to Canberra, causing me to stay in Sydney for a night. Apparently it is due to the radioactive conspiracy of russian spy Litvinenko, which causes inbound British airlines to be delayed due to ongoing investigations in Britain. Talk about globalization of risk society... hmmm....

Anyway, on a bright side, it means I can do some super duper quick late night travelling in Sydney. A quick glance at lonely planet online suggests that "gay and lesbian venues make up a big part of Sydney's nightlife". Hmmmm.... maybe not, after going through a youth camp on manhood and womanhood, which btw has been a really fruitful experience (maybe will blog on that another time). On a not so bright side, I am getting a bit embarassed that I'm officially the last participant to arrive in ANU. I think my singaporean counterpart - some guy from law - has already arrived. And I think a lot of basic european lectures wld be covered in day 1. Gah... a bit hard to smoke them when I have only brought with me one little book on european politics from central lib and 2 essays that I have written on EU.

But should be fun lah eh? Borrowed from Daniel a book by John Piper, called Future Grace. Should be a pretty good read in the aeroplane. And this would be the first time I'm bringing my little mac out of singapore, so I can work out my honours thesis as well as journal things down electronically, hopefully while drinking ice mocha or something in some aussie coffee places.

Really feel a bit wasted that pasta ian is not around in that part of oz. Wld have been such a great time. I guess daniel and I can only visit him in laos when we kickstart our social-evangelical project in laos, which is still in its super duper infancy stage. Sigh.

Alright, going to grab some coffee now at the departure hall. Still got 2 hours to kill. grrrr...

Will be back in a flash, on 16 dec night. Unless they delay my plane again in Sydney, which I won't mind then.. haha.

Christmas is coming

FINALLY uploaded the euro photos onto my mac. Was quite nostaligic to look back through some of the photos though I realized I did not take photos in quite a few places. Strangely, places that I did not take photos are memories that are remembered most vividly when I close my eyes. I like this huge poster in front of my table. Bought it in essen, a place that I took zero photos; maybe the place is just a bit too industrial? The subject in the picture is slanted off-center, to trigger some form of visual aesthetics perhaps. What is she looking at? I have no idea.

Christmas is coming, and I'm quite glad that I have time to rest. A time to catch up with friends. Sometimes, I don't really quite like the word 'catch up'. There are friends who deserve more than just 'catching up'. But maybe for a lack of better phrase, 'catching up' is perhaps the easiest and most politically correct phrase to ask a friend out, a friend whom you genuinely care for, 'genuine' meaning s/he is in your prayers no matter how strange or difficult situations are at times. Hmmm... I think I have a tendency to mess up friendships sometimes. It is quite a weakness, partly because I'm just quite a dumbo in terms of expressing myself. Oh well, I think I have avoided people long enough during the semester, cos I was honestly a bit burnt out and jaded even before the semester began, and things sorta got worse after IMF, and worser when there was a transition in church leadership and there were slightly more responsibilities towards the end.

I hope I'll be able to take time out in dec to write a few christmas cards to people and just say a word of 'thank you' for their prayer support and friendship even though I have been quite a hermit for the whole year.

"The Animals Were Gone"

Woke up and for the first time the animals were gone
It's left this house empty now, not sure if I belong
Yesterday you asked me to write you a pleasant song
I'll do my best now, but you've been gone for so long

The window's open now and the winter settles in
We'll call it Christmas when the adverts begin
I love your depression and I love your double chin
I love 'most everything that you bring to this offering

Damien Rice

Free at last

My strange and sedated semester is finally over =)

Time to wrap it up the year with the following:

1) A spiritual rejuvenation in the coming youth camp.
2) A summer school next week, which I think will be fruitful for my thesis, and hopefully reflective as well.
3) Meeting up with friends.
4) Replying emails to my asef friends.
5) Do a bit of evangelism and invite friends for christmas service.
6) Pray for directions for cluster/cell in 2007; coerce my boys to take up leadership roles so that I can relax in future.
7) Do a bit of research for the forthcoming 2007 blockbuster essay call 'Force and Diplomacy in EU-China Relations'. (Author currently looking for proof readers; they will be rewarded with a wage that is equivalent to a glass of ice milo, as well as an acknowledgement in the acknowledgement page.. ha)

Sounds like a lot of things to pack in december, but I think it will be fun and joyful =)

Sedated jim

Chelsea lent me this cd by Kings of Convenience. I quite like the songs, I think it just kinda describes my mood these days, sedated, somewhat dreamy, and slightly lazy to study. I think it is partly due to the fact that it is hard for the cap score to go up or to go down when you are at year 4. I guess there is a remote possibility that I won't be able to write a thesis if I do crash the last hurdle, which is kinda like a characteristic of my life in general. But I guess I'm somewhat stuck in between indifference and innocence - easy come, easy go, no big deal. Like a passenger in a train, going through the motions, drifting from station to station. Just looking forward for the year to end, although I don't really have anything to look forward to in the new year. But honestly, I prefer it that way these days.

I lose some sales
and my boss won't be happy
but I can't stop listening to the sound
of two soft voices blended in perfection
from the reels of this record that I found

every day there's a boy in the mirror
asking me
what are you doing here
finding all my previous motives
growing increasingly unclear

I travelled far and I burned all the bridges
I belived as soon as I hit land
all the other
options held before me
will wither in the light of my plan

so I lose some sales
and my boss won't be happy
but there's only one thing on my mind
searching boxes underneath the counter
on a chance that on a tape I'd find

a song for
someone who needs somewhere
to long for

homesick
cause I no longer know
where home is

"Homesick' by Kings of Convenience

wow...

wow... i din know such a module exist in nus until now! hmmm...maybe i shd try taking it next sem. scarli get C+ ... then my friends can really bring out the 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread...

Module Code: XD2201
Module Title: The Bible and Christianity
Modular Credits: 4
Exam Date: TBA
Pre-Requisite: Nil
Preclusion: Nil
Cross-listed: Nil
Module Description: The module is a multidisciplinary academic study of the bible and Christianity, open to all interested in these themes. Major topics will include a) interpretative approaches to biblical texts, b) history of the collection of the bible, c) biblical authority, d) Christianitys basic moral code and beliefs, and e) popular issues (Gnostic Christianity). The course assumes no prior knowledge of Christianity and will count toward the Religious Studies minor.
Workload: 2-1-0-2-5
Lecture - Discussion/Tutorial - Laboratory - Assignments - Preparatory Work (hours/week)
Remark: Nil