Challenges for the second half of 2005

The first half of the year began with a period of solidarity in God's silence, as I struggled with issues that stemmed from 2004. Psalm 42 was the verse that God put in in my heart, in particularly "deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls".

Indeed, it was a time when silence begets silence, and the deep (stillness of His absence) resonates a deeper need to stand firm in the roars of the waterfalls - such as the mad rush in running a project for an NGO, preparing myself to lead a mission team to Sri Lanka, doing my best for my PS major, managing cell group and coping with personal struggles.

Nevertheless, when the time came for God to speak, He really speaks out loud during the times spent in Sri Lanka. There were times when I was totally quiet and detached from the group cause God was speaking into my heart in a way that I know it must be from Him. God particularly addressed areas that I can improve in my leadership, which was the difficulty of being relational to people, and everywhere that I went, I was challenge to talk to people from all walks of life.

Looking back, I suppose I did not do an exceptionally good job in being relational to the people there, but neither did I do a bad job.

Since my return to Singapore, God continues to speak to me in other areas of my life. And there are just so many things that He put inside that sometimes I wish I can just muffed out His voice. While these are challenging issues, there is also that sense of anxiety and helplessness when my mind is distracted with things that are not of God.

I've come to realize that Psalm 42 has been a verse to sustain me in the first half of 2005, and there needs a new verse to sustain me for the second half of this year, and perhaps it will also be extended to next year.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7.

In particularly, I've listed down 6 areas that God has been knocking into my heart.


1) Framing a vision and structure for the new cluster that I'll be taking, which might be as early as September.

2) Looking into the possibility of starting an 'Art' Ministry, which I have discussed with some of the Sri Lankan team mates, but hopefully will be able to talk to some of the church leaders soon.

3) Rallying a group of friends to dig deep into the Bible, and to open up new perspectives, so that we will be able to "Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage - with great patience and careful instruction" (Tim4:2). Practical steps would be to buy books/ DVDs/ and maybe visit other churches such as New Creation to get fresh perspectives.

4) Personal character. Well, this being personal, shall be kept personal then.

5) The possibility of doing a follow-up with the churches of Sri Lanka that we have came into contact with during Love Matara 2005.

6) the biggest challenge of all - SURRENDERING MY WILL TO MEET GOD'S WILL. I suppose I do know where is the source of my struggle in surrendering my will, and God has been pounding into my heart to give Him one year of my life to meet all these challenges. And ... argh... I just can't go on writing.

Seems like the stakes are too high for now. I've been convincing myself that God does not need us to promise Him anything, because it is His will to promise us by the blood and covenant of Jesus (through grace), not Our will to promise Him anything (through works), which will certainly guarantee failure due to human imperfection. I suppose my theology is a bit wrong here, but God, give me time to sort out my mind.

I guess going to Korea is good, since it coincides with our church 40 day fast. I need time out from the distractions in Singapore to make sense out of God's challenges. Meanwhile, I pray that Phil 4:6-7 will sink into my heart.

My plans or His plans?

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I just came back from a 3 week mission trip to Sri Lanka. During the midst of doing the different community works in Sri Lanka, I took time out to reflect on my life, my goals and my future. I suppose the issue of doing long-term or full-time mission came across my mind a few times while my team was serving the community in Sri Lanka. However, I decided not to entertain too much thoughts into that prospect while I was in Sri Lanka, for it could be an emotional reactionary desire upon seeing the destitution of the tsunami victims.

Certainly, such callings are not made within a month's exposure to the mission fields. It will require prayer, affirmations and advice from church leaders, and above all, hearing God's voice above the human inquisition to chart out his own destiny for himself.

Before we left Sri Lanka, I shared with the team regarding the three stages of a community service expedition- the "what?", "so what?" and "now what?". Although this three stages are taken from the context of the Singapore International Foundation, I felt that they are applicable to mission works. Briefly, the "what?" stage is the pre-expedition phase; what we envision the expedition to be like, our hopes, fears and expectations for the trip. The "so what" stage reflects the reality of the trip itself, which might involve the lowering of expectations or a total change in perception of the community over there. The last stage - "now what?" - involves our action plans upon returning back to Singapore; where we are moving from now on, with respect to what we have seen in Sri Lanka.

I suppose many youths who have been through the YEP experience stop short at the "so what?" stage. They come back to Singapore and almost immediately, the pace of our society renders the experience to just that - a mere experience. It is hard to translate that experience into concrete actions plans because they cannot be the change that they want to see in the future by relying on an emotional experience that is contextual in nature within the confines of a faraway land. Pragmatism and reality take centre stage when survival in a developed society is based on meritocracy and efficiency.

Nevertheless, the "now what?" stage takes upon a deeper meaning for religious followers when they see a higher calling above the things that they do in their communitarian services. In the case of Christianity, we are challenged to be "world Christians"; to fulfill The Great Commission

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." Matthew 28:19

Before I left Singapore, Ailing told me that in any short-term "exposure" mission trip, the question of our role as world christian must be probed; and we must reflect if God has called us to be a "mobilizer", "go-er", "sender", or "welcomer" in missions. Being a leader to Sri Lanka has made me more aware of my strengths and weaknesses. For one thing, I think my main weakness is that I choose to be rather detached from the people that I interact with, be it whether they are Sri Lankan folks or even with my own team members. One of my team members commented that I tend to push aside my emotions when I lead the team.

I suppose that is how I handle things, because I do not want to give any empty promises to the Sri Lankan folks that I'll come back again, or that I'll follow up on them when I'm back, because I'm afraid that I might not be able to do so when the pace of NUS hits me again. Personally, I feel that we mean a lot more to the Sri Lankan children than they do to us. In Singapore, we have choices and we can move on. Promises that were made can be broken. But in Sri Lanka, or in Cambodia (a previous YEP expedition that I've been to last year), the children do not have as much choices as us, and we might just mean the whole world to some of them, who have lost their loved ones in the tsunami. If I do say that I'll pray for one of the kids there, I'm really not sure if I would do so 3 months down the road.

Perhaps, this is why I choose to put aside emotions because promises based on emotions are fragile. However, no one goes to a mission field with a stone cold heart.

So right now, it seems that the Sri Lankan mission trip has posed more questions than answers with respect to how I want to serve God in the future. More troubling is that I cannot envision what my future holds beyond my graduation from NUS.

(to be continued... out for movie)