Thursday, July 26, 2007

Body Movements









Ozlem said that that was capoeira in Bordeaux, although I disagreed. Anyway, I feel like learning capoeira after I quit nj. Hmmm..

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Love, Banishment and Identity

Where do we begin when it comes to an issue as complex as a person’s identity, the sense by which he gathers purposes and meanings in life with respect to his various communities? For most of us, identity is complex enough when it forces us to make critical choices in life at the Archimedean point when allegiance to one’s beliefs is necessarily a denial of another.

Nothing illuminates this tragic-heroic dilemma more than the lives of intellectual/ political exiles, who in one way or another, are forced to leave their homeland because they threaten to reveal truths greater than what their own fellow men could grasp.

Nothing is perhaps more self-sacrificial than the person who is incapable of banishing himself to without, because of a peculiar and deeply rooted passion for someone who you are beginning to understand, and whom you are beginning to identity with. Stay, because nothing reaches the core of understanding one’s self more powerfully than the other who has become the invariable of all causes that are in constant flux.

Nothing is therefore more tragic-heroic than he who has become an exile from within, because while there are no more reasons for him to be loyal to an opportunistic society that endorses and stigmatizes him at once, the singular hope of him being rescued from civil death is to cling on to the motif of forbidden love; the lyrical travel-experiences that speaks of a nexus of coincidences and chance impressions, none inexplicable but many indefinably enigmatic.

(My own musings after watching an alfian sa'at play yesterday)

Monday, July 23, 2007

the end


"Fortunately, somewhere between chance and mystery lies imagination, the only thing that protects our freedom, despite the fact that people keep trying to reduce it or kill it off altogether" Luis Bunuel

Sunday, July 22, 2007

small reflections

I'm thankful for the retreat in johor and the coming plans for the youth ministry. Seems like the cell cluster is getting a sense of purpose and unity too. Maybe the leaders' prayers are gradually being answered. There were a couple of things that I have been praying about since ages ago.. for my friend who is slightly estranged from church, for my own post grad directions (which is still a bit of a blur), and for God to give me the wisdom and faith to persevere in leading the cluster. The retreat at johor was basically a time when I was reminded to keep on persevering in these prayers that I held on to dearest among other prayers. There probably won't be any definitive answered prayers in the short run, and sometimes minor distractions along the way do cause me to challenge the assumptions that I have unconsciously made in my prayers. Still, it gives me a certain comfort to know that the more unanswerable a prayer seems to be, the more it becomes obvious that I have nothing to 'lose', in the sense that I can just keep on doing my 5% of praying and letting God do the 95%. Maybe prayers, at the end of the day, is not about results, but about building relationships. Of course, we spend quite a bit of time praying for ourselves, but when it comes to praying for others, maybe God isn't too interested in how the person's life is a reflection of my answered prayers, but perhaps He is more interested in how the friendship between the prayer and the prayed-for will grow through either party's active engagement to constantly seek council and discernment from the holy spirit. Praying for a 'cell' will not make sense until I can picture every member's face and life profile in it; and that calls for my active involvement in their lives. So often a times I've made sweeping prayers using pronouns like 'they' without actually thinking who are exactly the 'they' that I am praying about. "May 'they' grow closer to you", "May 'their' lives be reflections of Christ in 'their' schools" etc etc. It becomes pretty easy and somewhat superficial to lump every individual's life into the big and ambiguous 'they'. So while certain prayers might be answered along the way through prayers, I think the more important thing that God is looking for is the effort that is put into the various friendships in order for prayers to be made meaningful right from the beginning. That's my two cents' worth of reflections for the week.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Kafkaesque

I'm generally fine with accepting pointless bureaucracy in everyday life. It only becomes frustrating (and slightly amusing) when secretaries, administrators and 'coordinators' start to give illogical answers to my really straightforward questions, in their futile efforts to disguise laziness, impersonality and ineffiency in a permanent and infinitesimal world of mundane and mindless striving. Usually, it takes the simplest of all questions to exploit the vein of the comedy and pathos of these workers' inner insecurity. You can't really fault them though; no one really knows who they are working for, in this nightmare of blind alleys.

Time to sleep =p

Friday, July 13, 2007

ephemeral

The past few days have been busy but memorable, with teaching, talking to teachers, searching for plants at holland village, and going for church meetings. Was planning to upload some commencement and euro photos on the blog, but haven't had the chance to sit down properly to do so. The weekend will probably be tough too, cos of some backlog admin work from nj. Haven't had the chance to start preparing for my masters proposal and I really need to start praying and reading up a bit for ideas. Really appreciated yesterday's break from the daily chores of mundane life; besides some 'serious' cycling at sentosa and stoning off the beach, the best part of the day was spent gazing at seadragons, jelly fishes and other interesting creatures at the underwater world. Watching these little creatures floating around in space, the world was pretty perfect yesterday.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

lazy late morning

Hmmm... pretty interesting sermon by piper, on his interpretation of manhood and womanhood in church leadership. I like it not so much for the topic itself, but the way he reverses the general interpretation of some controversial (and hence badly abused) verses through good exposition without any philo blah. I don't agree with him 100% on how he drew his conclusions though. Ok, time to get out of my bed to start the day... guess I can only claim half day pay from school today... gah

  • click here
  • Monday, July 09, 2007

    Luke 14: 15 - 27

    When one of those who reclined at table with him heard these things, he said to him, "Blessed is everyone who will eat bread in the kingdom of God!" But he said to him, "A man once gave a great banquet and invited many. And at the same time for the banquet he sent his servant to say to those who had been invited, 'Come, for everything is now ready.' But they all alike began to make excuses.

    The first said to him, 'I have bought a field, and I must go out and see it. Please have me excused'

    And another said, 'I have bought five yoke of oxen, and I go to examine them. Please have me excused.'

    And another said, 'I have married a wife, and therefore I cannot come.'

    So the servant came and reported these things to his master. Then the master of the house became angry and said to his servant, 'Go out quickly to the streets and lanes of the city, and bring in the poor and crippled and blind and lame.'

    And the servant said, 'Sir, what you commanded has been done, and still there is room.' And the master said to the servant, 'Go out to the highways and hedges and compel people to come in, that my house may be filled. For I tell you, none of those men who were invited shall taste my banquet.'"

    Now great crowds accompanied him, and he turned and said to him, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple"

    Things have been pretty encouraging in church recently. The cluster is back again after the june holidays, and recent feedback from the cell members seems quite positive. Pastor josh has a pretty big vision for the youth ministry for the rest of the year, and it will take a lot of faith, prayer and perseverance from the core team to put this vision into reality. Dan and I went with pj just now to Trinity College, to sit in on a module that talks about well... if I get it correctly so far.. the theology and praxis of youth ministry? I didn't know the term 'praxis' has theological roots! I can't confirm if I can join the rest of the module yet, because of the double commitments to nj and nus. Wanted to squeeze in a 3rd lang and a short asef conference for the new sem, but I think I'll give one or two of them a miss, cos I can't multitask very well in general. Anyway, I am going to focus on Luke for the next few weeks. I hope the book of Luke will clear some conceptual/spiritual blockades in my mind. Yeap, Luke, here I come.

    Saturday, July 07, 2007

    Meaninglessness and Meaningfulness

    Lately, I've been able to meet up with a few friends from college days. Most of them are on pretty good career tracks and pursuing what they are good at... Benny is going to GIC, Derrick is going to MAS, CC is going to A*star etc etc. It inevitably forces me to probe myself with very basic questions. And these questions are further problematized for people like me who aren't the best in our own fields, but who are not exactly that bad either. Well, I guess its 'middle' people like us who are in a perpetual state of dilemma. On the one hand, we are not automatically thrusted with big-time opportunities to pursue the specialized fields that we are passionate about. On the other other hand, we are not exactly in the lowest rungs of our fields; this means that we do not have to resign ourselves to whatever available options that are left, and there is always that fighting chance to pursue the field that we are passionate about. Still, the temptation to doubt my own aspiration can be strong, especially when I meet up with old friends who are embarking on the scientific/engineering path to glory. CC was explaining to me just now the big national blue print that Philip Yeo has for SMEs and research institutes in Singapore and where the golden pot lies in terms of his engineering career. I felt kind of stupid giving him my personal views about the political history of Singapore, and why he should undrstand his right of voting. I think I make a good story teller, that's about it. This country, at the end of the day, does not really need social scientists. Well, I think the good thing - or maybe bad thing in the long run - is that I am quite clear on the tangibles and intangibles that define my ultimate happiness or 'meaningfulness' in life. To begin with, I think it is hard to define 'meaningfulness'. You kind of know it when you get it. I probably won't settle for anything less until I get that 'meaningfulness' right. It means that there will be a lot of trial and errors, and perhaps even an entire lifetime of meaninglessness to reach that endpoint, which ironically, is probably the most meaningful thing that can happen to a human individual; that he is able to focus so intensely on what he believes in, such that it doesn't really matter anymore whether he is able to actualize his value system. I think that is what motivates the apostles, for they have tasted the sweetness and lightness of being, and any compromise on their part is necessarily, emotionally and logically, a regression of their own emanicipation; they do not and cannot deny Christ because they have tasted objective truth. For me, receiving grace and strength come from those rare moments of deep and resolute quiet time when I can to some extent sense the sweetness and lightness of my role and purpose in this wild and fleeting life. The line between foolishness and wisdom, or between reality and idealism, is dissolved immediately because the most meaningless of all pursuits in my life has become the defining part of my identity. How can anyone trade his precious identity away in this wild and fleeting life is a malaise that I cannot understand, nor dare to fathom.

    Friday, July 06, 2007

    Graduation

    Had our commencement today at the UCC. It was good to meet up with friends like zat, mus, and james. Took a lot of photos with my parents, venture kampuchea friends and other usp folks as well. There was also this excellent speech delivered by this harvard grad and now practitioner in the electic field of development, volunteer work and such other stuff. What she spoke about the mean-ends relationship of using our talents, balancing our talents with happiness and meaning in life, as well as the idea of 'remembrance', really struck a deep personal chord in me. I could identify with her almost everything, esp the last part when she gave her 'remembrance' line:

    “When you remember me, it means that you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am on who you are. It means that you can summon me back to your mind even though countless years may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die, you can still see my face and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart. For as long as you remember me, I am never entirely lost . . . but if you forget me, part of who I was will be lost forever.”

    (Frederick Buechner, Whistling in the Dark)

    I don't remember a lot of things from my past 4 years in nus, except for well... a few distinct moments of joyfulness. Even then, those moments weren't found in the physical space of nus per se. Maybe those moments could be traced back to Cambodia, maybe Leiden, maybe even TWC2. As I look at my circle of friends from 8 years ago, and compare them with my circle of friends now, I know that the change in my circle of friends has to some extent represented how my own outlook towards life has changed. I'll probably lose touch with some of the friends that I've made in nus as I journey into another realm of God-knows-best. Nonetheless, I think the awareness that we once shared a common space, no matter how fragile this space can be, is sufficient to make my next (perhaps) arduous journey a meaningful endeavor.

    Wednesday, July 04, 2007

    Fear


    This is a photo of Auschwitz taken when I was in Krakow.

    "Fear. It gets on me sometimes. Knowing that something tragic is lurking around the corner. That all that I've tried to believe in, or hope for, for the past few years, can be taken away by the immediate charismatic power of someone better and greater. I can try to rationalize away fear; I can convince myself that fear is a matter of perception. But the tragedy remains..."

    Monday, July 02, 2007

    Propinquity

    is a matter of perspective

    Random Freedom

    "Only he who can reflect can change himself through his own incentive. Only he who can reflect is free in his actions".

    I found this interesting article from the goethe-institut singapur website. It is on man's genuine possession of freedom to reflect in the light of neurosciences. It is a bit of a heavy reading for an early monday morning, but I like the way the german professor writes. German writers seem to have the knack of weaving poetic sentences into deep arguments.

  • click here for the essay