Twilight Zone

Was talking to vikram in the bus today after some semi-intense xbox session at Cineleisure. He said that he and his friends in NTU are currently in this 'twilight zone' where they aren't exactly sure where they will be heading after year 4. Whereas for much of their life everything was in a systematic order - primary school, secondary school, tertiary, NS, and then uni, the days ahead are harshly ambivalent and uncertain. Yet, there is that sense of just wanting to clear the last semester and move on with life.

I can perfectly understand his year 4 syndrome. I don't know if it gets worse when it comes to post graduate studies. Some people say that when you go onto the track of phd, it is more of a persevering endeavor, rather than an intellectual engagement, especially when you are into the 3rd or 4th year of phd.

Food for thought perhaps. Sometimes, it seems like choices are born out of negativity rather than positivity, in which one chooses the best out of whatever bad options he has. Maybe the situation is made more stark in our society where there is a systematic and technocratic approach to the ends and means of a working life. Meanings and Money are construed in a zero-sum game; the more meaningful a job, say being a musician or a philosopher, the less money you earn; the more money a job offers, say being a banker, the less meaning you have. Blessed are those who find riches in their meanings. Just that my own academic milieu doesn't offer such a possibility, at least not for the next 5 years or so. Even if it does, it is laid with much uncertainties and deadends. I know of a particular professor who did his whole masters and phd on Cold War politics when he was a post grad in the 1970s, and he virtually went from hero to zero after the Soviet meltdown. Now he is basically a king in the molehill, doing research that is really quite boring (at least to me), but I guess he still has a family to feed, and sometimes you just got to do less than idealistic research to get the money going.

I had a totally ridiculous quarrel with my mom last night; I tried to deal with it in the best possible manner, and tried to put my hands, feet, head and body into her shoes, but I simply cannot quite understand what was exactly the fuss all about. Sometimes, I will conveniently categorize such arguments as either: 1) Communication problems, or 2) Religion/Value-system differences.

But deep down, I do think that there is a problem with me, which makes me react in a particular manner to my parents, or rather my non-existent reaction whenever there are problems. Silence seems to be my best form of self preservation. I don't know. I have friends who say that I'm just being a bourgeois who have abstract bourgeois problems that aren't really problems at all (don't worry clem, I don't mean you). Maybe it is true to some degree, but I honestly search my heart and I don't think that it is entirely down to some bourgeois illusions, cos I really try to save before I spend, and I have absolutely poor taste in all things that are considered to be of the 'fine life'.

Maybe vikram is right; year 4 people are just living in a twilight phase. Ecclesiastes seems to be the Book of the Year for me in the last 5 months or so. It doesn't make me a very confident person at all; in school, church or simply in my own social circle of friends.

I'm glad to have this december break. It is like a pit stop in the twilight zone, before I flip the pages of Ecclesiastes again.

In Canberra, I had a chance to talk to T, this 44 year old guy who was in the same summer school with me. He was from UK, married, and has been living in Australia for 15 years. He did not feel that he was too old to do Masters. As a young lad, he said that he was a pretty passionate and idealistic guy. It was passion that led him to Australia. However, the realities of life hit him pretty quickly. Discrimination against his accent and looks (he talks like a working class English and looks like an italian) within his neighbourhood, meant that he found it hard to blend in with his community and even to get a job. Nonetheless, over the years, he was able to reconcile reality and idealism in the sense that he was able to 'restrain' his passion and release it in 'doses' so that his mental idealism matches the practicalities of life. He told me that society might conform our habits and practices, but it will never quite take away our innate zeal for a meaningful life. Now, life gets by for him and his wife, as they take turns to work and support each other's pursuit of ideals and interests.

I'm not sure why I'm bringing up the story of T. Maybe it is just a reminder that somewhere sometime, I'll be able to find some sort of a balance when I'm older and hopefully wiser. I was looking at my 2005 december blog on my 2006 resolutions, and I realized that they don't make sense in some ways, from a 2006 december perspective. The power of the twilight zone...