bye bye berlin

Time either flies past pretty fast or slow when you are backpacking alone.

So yesterday was really fast, as I checked out the pegamon museum, and also went on a free tour around berlin.

Today was a bit draggy as I went to this concentration camp in the outskirts of berling, which really made me pretty depressive. I guess it wasn't the site itself that made me depressive, but I guess it is just the overall effect of wondering alone to a concentration camp that tortured 50000 Jews AFTER the world war that really made my day. Tried to focus on Psalms 41 which danger dan kindly sent to me, to buzz off the depressive swings. (I bought you a highly disturbing foucauldian photo book... ha ha)

Ended the day eating and chatting with the australian and american peeps in the hostel.

Will be going dresden tmw!

I love dugongs

Tuesday

Tuesday was nothing short of a juxtaposition of various intellectual and emotional engagement. We went to visit the Peace Palace in the Hague, which houses the International Court of Justice, and the Permanent Court of Arbitration (though it is technically neither 'permanent' nor a 'court'). Being exposed to the grandeur and symbolism of international law vis-a-vis the monuments and paintings gave me a sense of hope that despite the power struggles of nation-states in international relations, there is a plane that exists above the egotistical nature of Mankind, which could arbitrate and distribute justice for one and all. But then again, being a political science student, I know that justice and law sort of dissolve unto itself when it could be interpreted by powers and powers to be. The best example is probably America using the international law of pre-emptive defence against Iraq. So maybe the world is less than hopeful again.

Well, I thought the trip to the Hague was a serious and formal one, but in the free spirit of ASEF, the second half of the day was spent at a sun drenched beach which faces the North Sea. Imagine Surfers' Paradise in Brisbane, and then combine it with a cool temperature of about 20 degree celsius and a sun that sets at 11pm, and that would pretty much be the image of the beach at the Hague. The evening was completed with a italian dinner in a restaurant called Crazy Piano. I suppose it was not called 'crazy' for nothing, cos the pianist was really funky and cool in jazzing up the evening, with the bartenders doing some pseudo bar-top dancing on top of the piano.

Wednesday

Wednesday was a really long and tough day, cos we were presented with a case study that would be argued in a moot court competition. The purpose of the moot court was to introduce students to the technicalities and actual procedures of international law. My group was given the case of the land reclamation issue between Singapore and Malaysia which was contested under the Laws of the Seas. I was part of a 8-member Malaysian delegate to argue for provisional measures against Singapore. It was really tough for a political science student to put forth a case in the language of international laws, and strictly speaking, I felt that Malaysia did not really have a case to begin with (The case has already been resolved by an agreement of mutual cooperation). So in the end, our team's strategy was to use the enviromental issue and the human security issue as our main thrust of our legal arguments. It was really quite hilarious that we kept lambasting Singapore that the land reclamations in the straits of Johore are stressing the Malay Dugongs (or seacow, scientific name dugong dugon) and driving them to extinction, as well as depriving the fishermen of natural resources.

Thursday

Upon the completion of a really cut-and-paste 2000 word memorial, our team was finally ready to present our case to the judges, with Abram as one of the agents in the speech presentation. Somewhere along the line, the arguments went totally hilarious, as Fred - a PRC student who was defending Singapore - begin to argue for the rights of the fish instead of the rights of the fisherman. It was really funny to see Abram - a Dutch Mathematician- to plead for Malaysia and the plight of the dugongs, and Fred to plead for Singapore and fighting for the rights of fishes not to be eaten.

So that was pretty much about Thursday. I also went about checking out the modules for the next semester, and finding out from Prof Reuben if I can do his level 6000 module next sem on International Conflict and Security. I know it sounds kinda crazy to do a Phd module but I guess it is all done in the spirit of wanting to push my mental limits for the next semester, in order to minimize the many distractions in other areas of my life. Talking to so many passionate Masters students in the past 2 weeks just kinda gives you the mental edge and confidence to venture into uncharted academic boundaries. But I'm not sure if that is bordering on pride. Oh well, motives are always enmeshed and tangled up in everyday life.

So the pass three days have been pretty good. But sometimes, when days seem so perfect and nice, you could end up doing two things. First is that you wish that your friends and loved ones could experience it through your own lenses. Maybe that was how I felt when I was at the Hague, and did a 'Loren Cunningham at Taj Mahal move' (the founder of YWAM, I was reading his book Is That Really You God?) and said a little prayer.

Secondly, is that you begin to take a stand back from reality, and tell yourself that this isn't really where you belong, despite the reality of it all. You begin to take upon a strange gaze at the moment-by-moment reality of the people around you and try to ask yourself at which interstices of life do you really find a sense of identity and meaning in it. Perhaps that was how I felt while enjoying the company of really good friends in the past two weeks.

I don't know, I think 'identity' is such a powerful tool in self-determination. Despite all these talks about individualism in liberal Europe, I still find that my identity can only be defined in terms of my relationship with other people around me; i.e Asians and Singaporeans. Not that I've anything against the Europeans (I really like them), but I'm taking a more empathetic view to Singapore these days, and maybe even my government, because I've come to realize that there are many inherent structural and social problems even in social democracies such as Sweden. I guess if there is any take away lesson in this exchange, is that I'm probably coming home with a more acute sense of what it means to be a citizen, a Singaporean, a global citizen, and a global christian. Perhaps I've used to look at the West and identify their way of democracy as a powerful institution in granting citizen identity and self determination. But I realize that I've been looking at them through the lenses of a holiday traveller. So probably many of us find our sense of 'identity' and 'meaning' in migrating to these western countries, but maybe 'true' identity and meaning comes from staying in the place that we are highly critical of, and then participating in the 'change' (maybe in social injustice or other forms of obstacles to self determination) that we want to see.

Weekend Reflections

Saturday was spent at Amsterdam, with visits to the Anne Frank House as well as a boat ride along the canal networks. There was supposed to be a 'GPS' tour around Leiden on Sunday, but the students vetoed the idea in a liberal and democratic manner. Most went off to Rotterdam or Utrechet. Others, like myself, decide to just spend the afternoon chilling and spacing out in Leiden.

While sipping my hot chocolate and cappucino by the river, I was reflecting and thought that the exchange thus far has been a very powerful tool in unlocking the self-imposed obstacles on reaching my ideals, dreams and goals. To put things in context, it seems fashionable these days for the European graduates to take a year or two off to work in an NGO in a 'Far East' place. For instance, my dutch roommate, Abram, who has just graduated from his Masters degree, is going off to China in August to work for a year. Others expressed similar interests to do an overseas internship for peanuts just to detach themselves from the european lives that they have been accustomed to, and getting down to the ground level to fight for human rights in Asian NGOs. The Asian friends have also been very single minded about pursuing scholarships to do their Masters in Europe or other parts of the world, and they seem to be very resourceful and determined to scout for post graduate scholarships, despite the language barrier and so on and so forth.

Their passion and perseverance have thought me that there is really a world out there for all sorts of possibilities, and there is pretty nothing much in stopping myself from reaching these possibilities. For a moment (well actually a night), I was entertaining the latent thought of doing DTS/YWAM in Thailand for a year or two, or even joining an NGO somewhere in Indochina, and be pretty much forgotten by the people back in Singapore. Okie, not quite forgotten, cos there is always the power of internet to keep in contact, but by and large, you are pretty much forgotten because the fast paced city life tends to induce amnesia in the minds of many, such that social circles are essentially spheres of communciation to keep social memories alive. To be honest, I think I am comfortable with being forgotten in that sense, but I realize that my problem is not about being forgotten, but forcing myself to forget certain narratives and dispositions, to pack it up and go, just so that the 'road that is not taken' will indeed be the defining 'difference' in my life.

Do choices always present themselves in a binary fashion; the road that divides that leads to a all or nothing, a yes or no; to move without the benefit of hindsight, and faith as the only means of foresight? Maybe there is that idealistic streak in me, but I think my different ideals aren't mutually cooperative at all. I don't have an answer to my mutually exclusive ideals, and I probably won't want an answer anyway, but actually I do know the answer. So maybe I'm living behind a veil of ignorance; like what I've concluded with a hungarian friend, the everday performance of standing behind the veil of ignorance would just make me incredibly sweet and stupid at the same time. Prosit to the complexity of mutually exclusive ideals!

I need energy

Was talking to my austrain friend, coco, last night, and we had an interesting exchange of views on universality and post modernism. Somehow that led to the question of God and he told me that he finds it hard to believe that Jesus should come down to earth as a 'white', and that he prefers to see God as some sort of 'energy' that transcends our cultural and social judgements. Coco has been searching for all sorts of answers and he has found it in this chinese philosophy that emphasizes love as a form of world-binding 'energy'.

Later today, we had a crash course on Tai Chi (don't ask me why they put it in the program, maybe it gives a sense of Oriental mysticism), and the Dutch master was talking about envisioning and transferring your 'energy' into all sorts of forms to regulate the balance between Mother Earth and the body. It is kinda funny the way they describe all these 'energy' business; I just felt that whatever the 'energy' did to me was to conjure some strange flatulence in my system. Okie... too much details...

One take away from the Tai Chi cum energy lesson was this exercise of focusing your attention onto a target and just walking towards it. While walking towards it, someone will try to stop you in your path by grabbing your leg with his hand. Apparently, if you focus your attention on your target strong enough, the obstacle (the grabbing hand) will post no resistance to you. However, if you focus on the obstacle instead, it will be hard for you to overcome the resistance.

I guess that is just normal aikido stuff. But perhaps there is some truth that if I constantly devote my attention on the obstacles ahead - which results in anxiety and stress - and not the end point, then I might be shortchanging myself in reaching my target. Maybe that is what Jesus meant when he says that it is futile to be anxious about life?

Anyway, I think it is hard to concentrate on anything in modernity. We are bombarded by so much new inputs and ideas and people everyday that it is difficult to concentrate on the original few things that define our passions and perspectives from the beginning. Life just seems to stream past in a blur vision and the end point becomes shifting and indefinite. I really find it hard to concentrate at times, 'concentrate' not in the study sense, but concentrate in moving in tandem with the Great Energy from above? Argh, I don't make sense today.

Meeting Alaskair

Been enjoying free internet access in Leiden University; which explains the regular blog updates. Well, usually this time (5pm holland time) is like a free and easy period before we get to eat really good and free dinner, that comes with a regular and free supply of beer, white wine, red wine, juices and water. So I think I'm pretty hydrated over here.. haha.

Caught the semis between germany and italy last night in a pub with the rest of the exchange guys. I was sitting at the back and decided to have a chat with this 62 year old British guy call Alaskair. Apparently, he has been coming down to Singapore for the last 4 years or so, to escape the winter during december. He offered me a heineken (its a dutch beer afterall) and we had a great talk about Singapore. Somehow before Italy scored the 2 killer goals, Alaskair asked me why is it that everyone is so happy (he then point to the 39 students from across Asia and Europe who were rooting for their fave teams) at the human-to-human level, but there is so much problems in the world?

My brain was like:"hmmm...is this a question asked in a drunken stupor, or is this some sort of super chim philo question that he is trying to find out an answer for himself?" Oh well, maybe it helped that I was in melancholy land (read previous post), and I told him my personal spiritual thesis statement of 2006 that maybe everyone is happy on the outside but joyless on the inside; and so the whole world sort of operates in an emotional vaccum.

Later realized that he is a landscape architect, who is 'married but no longer', as well as a Anglican who is 'not devout', and likes to travel to avoid issues in life. Something inside me felt that I should talk a bit more to him, but I just wasn't in the right kind of atmosphere and mood to talk about deeper stuff like Christ and all. When I got back to the hotel, felt a bit probed by the holy spirit that I've missed something; that perhaps I should have stayed longer. So anyway, I tried to wake up earlier this morning to catch him over breakfast befores he hits the road again. Gave him my contacts (which was subversively written on this small piece of paper that has Psalms 91 on it; I carried it with me in my wallet as some sort of run-to-the-toilet-cubicle-to-pray-when-things-are-bad damage control pill) and we agreed to meet up when he is in Singapore this december.

I don't know, maybe I'll just bring him to SJSM or something; we are anglicans afterall.

***

Today's topics in ASEF was about Asian human rights. Somehow strangely, a lot of questions and accusations were directed at Singapore. I had a pretty good field day vacillating between being a defender and condemner of Singapore's (and ASEAN's) foreign and domestic politics. I think I did okay against all the goliaths; one of them couldn't believe I only did 2 years of PS... hee hee.

Okie, enough of self praise. Gonna catch the next semi final soon... Praying for ya.

The Art of Self Censorship

You know that SIF debriefing strategy in which the leader will ask the members to reflect on the 'high low' of the day? I've adopted it in the last 2 mission trips that I've led; and it occured to me that God works through the high low of our lives in a timely and purposeful fashion. Maybe I experienced a low somewhere in the middle of the day, while listening to some meaningless lectures on the role of UN and EU in creating a 'better' world. I felt that the lecturer was delivering his stuff from a very very very Eurocentric perspective. Somehow experiencing the meaninglessness of a meaningless (secular) world triggered that silly old melancholy in me. Had to take stock of God's sovereignty by reflecting on the 'highs' that He has blessed me with in this trip, and praying through the 'lows' that stem largely from my own imagined consciousness. Kinda remembered this poem along the way; decided to omit the last two lines because I don't know what differences do my choices make.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I...

Robert Frost

Updates from Amsterdam, Brussels & Leiden

The trip to netherlands has been fruitful and fun thus far. Went to check out Rembrandt's house, and explored the lesser known areas of Amsterdam. Avoided the red light district at all costs, although there is that sense of curiosity (and maybe it's the flesh??) to find out whatz the hype all about. Will be visiting Van Gogh museum and Anne Frank House for free during the exchange, cool!

Took a 3-hour train ride to Brussels to meet up with a good friend of mine who happened to be in Belgium while on his Euro backpack tour. He has gone to about 15 countries so far (even to Slovakia!) through really budget airlines (at 1 pound!) and surviving on bread and ham with his travel bud. We went to check out the statue of the peeing boy, the comic strip museum, the European Union building (which I happily gave them a 45 minute lecture on its history.. ha), belgium chocolates shops, before settling down in a bar with hoegarrden in our hands and our eyes fixated on the football channel to see France beating Brazil 1-0. A lot of belgiums are francophones, so many throng the medievial-like city area after the match to celebrate. Had our fair share of fun just basking in the atmosphere.

Went back the next day to prepare for the exchange itself. Met really interesting people! My roommate is a dutch who got a degree in maths and just completed his masters in ancient asia studies. Talk to an Austrain who did chinese studies in Vienna, and even went on an anti-terrorist boot camp in Israel. He told me he fired an Uzi in Israel and asked me what weapons I've handled. I told him Singaporeans generally use non-soviet weapons such as the M16 and the M203. Kinda really funny to talk about army in such a cross cultural setting. There is another Singaporean too in the exchange who studies law in LSE; so its good to break into singlish with her once in a while.

I think the exchange has given me some ideas on what to write for my ISM and thesis, and also maybe my post-graduate plans. Well, I won't say the exchange itself has exactly shaped my post-grad perspectives; but I think when you are abroad and alone, God speaks in a clearer and more tangible voice. Since coming back from Korat, I've been considering more home-based careers such as MINDEF, MHA and even MOE, after having spent much of my last 2 years contemplating a more travelling sort of life with MFA. I don't know...maybe God has shown me just enough that I won't exactly enjoy that kind of life?

So it has been good so far, will update anuder time! Time for dinner..

Korat Reflections

(Hey jen, hope this helps for the Sunday sharing! Kinda haphazard thoughts cos I'm typing really fast to keep my internet within 30 minutes! Will keep ya guys in prayer!)

Although this is my 4th mission trip, it was an entirely different experience that allowed me to see different facets of what it takes to be in the mission fields. Firstly, the team dynamics was very unique; there was a total of 3 13-year-olds and 3 24-year-olds. As such, the different age groups came to Korat with different expectations.

For the older ones, all of us saw the mission trip as a place of learning even as we serve the community.

For me, I felt that the word for the trip is 'relational'; to minister, pray and encourage the field workers and Thai people that we meet along the way. Indeed, given the time that we had (1 week), and the lack of details on the programs that we are going to do, I felt that the most effective way to enter into korat is to emphasis less on the doing but more on the being (such as listening to God's prompting).

For instance, one of the ways in which we heard God's prompting was the impetus to visit the slums. To begin with, the visitation was not part of the program at all. I happen to (or rather God made it happen) talk to Tong, a Thai friend whom I know back in 2001, and realize that he is now currently working with World Vision, and one of his projects involved a slum that is located very near our hotel.

Now, the visitation to the slum might have been less significant if not for the fact that prior to departure, Auntie Julie from Kam Yam Methodist (ain't sure the spelling) gave us 3 bagfuls of clothes to bless the community in Korat. We all know that Julie is famous for 'praying' over the bags and asking God what specific items are needed to be packed and be used as a blessing.

However, even as we brought the bags to Korat in faith, there was some doubts in my heart as I felt that it did not match the type of work that we are doing - we are supposed to teach English and nowhere in the program are we required to visit some needy areas to distribute clothes.

Thus, visiting the slums not only completed the picture, but more importantly, showed God's sovereignty, purpose and timing in his overseeing of our mission.

(Hmmm... still got many more things to share, but maybe this will be my most significant experience in Korat... argh... really hope to write more, but i'm left with 3 minutes. take care folks and keep in touch!)