When you are bored...

I found myself taking time out to create my profile on Facebook. It is a bit like Friendster, but somehow I think it is more professional in maintaining your network of friends. I became a member quite accidentally, when I accepted yvonne's invitation into Facebook, and then I thought I've become a spammer when I unknowlingly sent an email invite to people on my email address who have Facebook. Oh well, so now I got 18 friends in Facebook. Didn't really think much about it, until I got bored studying Freud's castration anxieties for KPT's module, and decided to edit my interest, favourite books, movies and that kind of stuff. One thing that I like was the 'favourite quotes' section; it kind of urges me to reflect on quotes that created deep impressions in my worldview towards life. I guess Facebook is quite addictive when you are bored, at least in the beginning part of creating your profile, which afterall is just an impression that you want to create for others. I was undecided between creating a serious profile or a nonsensical one; I went for something in between. After knowing myself for 25 years, the 'in-between' seems to be the real me, serious and nonsensical at the same time. Not the best way to kickstart the next phase of my life, I suppose...

Think I'll start to invite some of my bored friends into Facebook soon.. haha.

Accurate or not?

Your Dominant Intelligence is Interpersonal Intelligence

You shine in your ability to realate to and understand others. Good at seeing others' points of view, you get how people think and feel. You have an uncanny ability to sense true feelings, intentions, and motivations. A natural born leader, you are great at teaching and mediating conflict. You would make a good counselor, salesperson, politician, or business person.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

For emancipation...

... see the big picture

(The Gleaners, Millet)

Heroes of the Month: Jesus and Parents

I received an email from a mom today, who is concerned about her son in church. This is the third time I have to deal with parents. On the one hand, it feels encouraging that the parents have indirectly reaffirmed my commitment to look out for the boys, because they trust me enough that I'm doing a good job as a shepherd of chaotic sheeps. On the other hand, the issues that they raised are quite beyond me to solve or manage because the problems - to some extent - are deep rooted in their upbringing during their early childhood. I don't have an experience of a father of course. But based on my own observation and memories of how my parents have raised me up, I think the first 10 years are really important years in establishing a boy's identity. I think my parents have done a pretty good job in filling up my tabula rasa, despite their idiosyncracies and non-christian way of thinking. I know they love me, just that they do not know how to show it. Mom does it through fruit juice, dad does it through financial allowance. On the other hand, I desire communication, but I cannot remember the last time I have a decent talk with my parents. Maybe it was in 2005 when I had to really sit down, penned my words in a letter, to tell my dad why I need to go to Sri Lanka, without making him think that I am mad. I don't blame them for the lack of communication, because it is really a matter of different love languages, and maybe in an Asian family, communication is just a tough thing to do. The bottomline is that I know that they love me. At the same time, I think that same problem - of my parents loving me but not knowing how to show it - has been imparted into me. And I know it, and I do not know how to solve it. Maybe I solve it by making a joke out of it? Laughter, is afterall, the best medicine, as the saying goes. I'm not sure if stevo - my cell leader - can help me solve it, because I think the problem goes way back in my own early childhood. Yes... I believe prayers work. And so I will try my best to pray and look out for the boys under my care, despite my own inadequacies as a cell leader. It is nights like this when I feel really drained and helpless about being a cell leader, or core team leader for the matter. No amount of charisma and pseudo philosophies can solve the riddles and complexities of the inner struggles of someone that you are leading, or for the matter, yourself. At the end of the day, the hope lies in the strength of the Living Christ that He will somehow return me, and my friend(s), to a 'new' tabula rasa that will allow us "to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that [we] may be filled with all the fullness of God" (Eph).

The French

Ségolène Royal, one of the french presidential candidates, doing her campaign by drinking wine in paris.

"Mr. Sarkozy, the world does not revolve around your little person," Le Pen said. "Long before your parents came from Hungary or Greece, there was at the heart of the French people a national current that cared more about the interests of the country than about its ruling class."

Haha.. I was reading this IHT article on the ongoing French elections, and it is quite amusing how French candidates jibe at each other. Quite different from the Americans eh? Hmmm, the elections ends on 10 May, which means I would have missed the politiking that goes on when I'm in Paris on 15 May. Well, Chirac will officially step down on 16 May, so I guess we might be able to catch his ceremonial stuff in Paris. I'm speaking as if I got a special permit into the Élysée Palace. heh.

Haven't quite settled on lodgings in Paris though. A lot of the hotels are filled up. So we are trusting shaun to somehow settle it for us. Hmmm.. as for the rest of the trip, dan and I haven't settle everything yet, unlike pastor rennis' family, who has planned out the whole europe trip way back in Feb, and every member of the family gets a bit of what they want; the mom gets salzburg, the bro gets milan and the sister gets manchester etc. Dan and I are just going by the cheapest ryanair tickets, and somehow for some bizarre twist of event, we might even take a 25hr bus ride to Bordeaux..... :S

I better get back to my exam revision. After two days of a hot-and-cold fever, I think I got a lot of work to catch up.

Polish your gifts

A friend reminded me today that it is important to polish up the giftings that God has given us. Quite a refreshing thought to me. I usually assume that it is biblical to exercise your giftings on a regular basis, but I've never quite thought that it might be necessary to further improve our spiritual giftings. It reminded me of last week's lunch conversation with Andy, when he told me why he feels it is important to improve on the 'technicalities' of playing musical instruments, besides 'just' playing the instruments in a worshipping manner. "People will be less drawn to the mistakes that the musicians made and more focused towards the worshipping act itself". Of course there is also the reminder that one should not let his or her technical expertise become the focus of the worship itself.

So anyway, I was thinking what sort of gifts do I have? I always figure that I'm probably pretty ok with worship leading in a small group setting, praying for people, creating some sort of an 'inspirational' speech for the younger ones in cell. Someone once told me that I got the gift of faith. I haven't quite figured how that works, but I guess I sometimes display quite a bit of a radical faith in things that are related to church and otherwise as well.

Hmmm... but I think I have been lazy of late, and taken these gifts for granted, or trying to 'play them down' under the disguise of trying to be humble. It is really bad attitude coming out from my lack of discipline in quiet time. And it is funny how things in life can spiral out of control when I'm not rooted in God. It is one thing to take the night skiing plunge with a faith in God, it is quite another to take the plunge as means to test God's limits, or to take the plunge blindfolded. I have to deliver a sermon on missions on 6 May in youth service, cos pastor joshua is taking a short sabbatical for his bible college exams. I'm slightly worried now, because I am struggling with intellectual pride, insecurity and general laziness as well. Will be great if someone can proof-read my message and weed out all sorts of intellectual pride that are embedded in it.

Last Lecture

Today marks the last lecture and last presentation for me as an undergrad. Our presentation involves some sort of an art performance by which we juxtaposed the national day song 'One people, one nation, one singapore' with images of an empty speakers' corner. I honestly felt that we have succeeded in making the song a thoroughly sad and hopeless one with the strange juxtaposition. Well, maybe that sums up my 3 years of political science education in a way; I've basically learnt to see whiteness in terms of blackness and blackness in terms of whiteness, and you hear sound in terms of silence, and silence in terms of voices. Everything is quite fluid and you learn to doubt everything and not take anything for granted, and this is not so good for the devout and the religious?

It feels kind of good but sad at the same time to attend the last lecture. Friends who share the same perspectives as you inevitably have to move on - to further their studies, to work, to seek some meaning in life. I'll see some of them at least in school in the next 2 years. Mus in south asian studies, zat in soci etc...I'm the only moron who is still staying in ps... for tactical reasons perhaps (?). Mus and zat were in the same group as me during our very fun civil society module, where we had to intern in TWC2, an NGO located near SJSM actually. Although we don't meet up regularly, I enjoy talking to them cos we kind of shared a commonality of feeling slightly marginalized because of various reasons, and yet able to joke about it in a candid manner.

So I went home feeling not so good about myself; it is the kind of drama mama "Oh God where shall I go forth from here?" manifestation. Was talking to Jacky that I'm hoping to learn a third language while I can get it done for free in nus. Was telling him that maybe i should do french if i'm into postmodernism, and german if i'm into modernism, or maybe thai for the sake of ethnocentric emancipation. Yeah, we found it quite strange that many post modernists are french, while the enlightenment period was basically dominated by the germans. Maybe my third language will become clearer after I talked to nardin, who isn't much of a postmodernist. Part of my self-disillusioned life long plan is to acquire the critical vocabulary of postmodernism though, because I think a lot of 'pre-modern' religions (for lack of better words, and I guess you can accuse me of essentializing it) can be quite post-modern in its orientation - hinduism, buddhism etc. I guess the Church has never really quite like the idea of post-modernism, or post-modern culture, but maybe it is good to see things from their point of view?

I think I've ended my undergraduate days with more questions than answers eh? Wondering if that is a cause for joy or sorrow...

Trade these ashes in for beauty

This song pretty much sums up my first 3 months of 2007


E F#m
At the foot of the cross
D A
Where grace and suffering meet
E F#m
You have shown me Your love
D E
Through the judgment You received
Bm A/C# D E
And You’ve won my heart
Bm A/C# D
Yes, You’ve won my heart
D2/E
Now I can

Chorus
A E Bm
Trade these ashes in for beauty
A E Bm
And wear forgiveness like a crown
A E Bm
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
F#m E Bm
I lay every burden down
E A
At the foot of the cross

E F#m
At the foot of the cross
D A
Where I am made complete
E F#m
You have given me life
D E
Through the death You bore for me
Bm A/C# D E
And You’ve won my heart
Bm A/C# D
Yes, You’ve won my heart
D2/E
Now I can

Chorus

Bm A/C# D E
And You’ve won my heart
Bm A/C# D
Yes, You’ve won my heart
D2/E
Now I can...

Chorus

(Anti) Hero of the Month

Immanuel Kant is quite famous for his dismissive attitudes towards the fathers of international law, such as Grotius, Pufendorf and Vattel. He calls them 'sorry comforters' in the sense that they have sought to circumvent the problematic quest for a metaphysical realm of moral ethics, by reducing/aligning the 'essence' of international law towards/with the strategic interests of nation-states today. So the type of international law that we observe in this world today is not so much of a cosmopolitan law that could flourish without the constraint of nation-states, but a reductionist mode of rules, regulations, treaties, 'expert' opinions, and 'scientific' truths, that will allow us to have a degree of control in our social life, which is assumed to be an extension of the natural world. The maxim for the sorry comforters is to 'control' the natural world as means to emancipate a freedom that is found within the literatures of political 'science'. The maxim for Immanuel Kant is to position oneself in a shifting and indefinite position of inquiring the noumenal (and inaccessible) world - to understand the mind of God, figuratively speaking - as means to emancipate a freedom that is associated with the literature of political 'philosophy'.

So, for a rather simplistic example, take a look at the big LCD tv screens in MRT stations, where you have a highly retarded 'documentary' instructing you on how to spot a terrorist in a train, as well as the brief history of terrorism that can be myopically traced back to the fateful day of september 11. From the sorry comforters' point of view, knowing the dos and don'ts of spotting a terrorist is a highly effective way of achieving freedom from fear. From Kant's point of view, such a security culture merely replaces the cultures of rights, and in fact, the ability of one to think critically about the type of fear that one should be concerned about, given that terrorism is not a new phenomenon (and can be found in the 1970s as well, eg. the Red Brigades), but it is nonetheless instrumentalized as a policy for control, which in turn generates more self-referential policies that create further control (of the mind, and then the body). What comes out from this generation and regeneration of policies after policies are retarded programs on MRT stations that teach passengers how to spot mysterious bombs and bags. Osama would probably have a higher chance to die of laughter than to die at the hands of Bush, when he sees these retarded programs.

Immanuel Kant is therefore the anti-hero of the month, because he made me realized in the past week that I am a 'sorry comforter', in the way that I've approached my thesis. So much for reading Kant in the past week. I'm thinking about my thesis's second marker now - cos one is clearly kantian in his worldview while the other is more inclined towards the 'sorry comforters'. Maybe it is not so much the grades, but it is a bit demoralizing that 4 months of research can be quite easily refuted by reading one week's worth of literature from a dead philosopher. I guess I didn't read him deeply enough previously. Or maybe the disciplines of political science and international relations are just inferior fields when compared to the richness of political philosophy. But who cares about philosophy these days? Honestly speaking? The debate in my brain continues....

Maundy Thursday

The Mocking of Christ, Matthias Grunewald, 1528, the Alte Pinakothek, Munich


I like Maundy Thursday service. Maybe it is the overall atmosphere, that appeals to melancholic people like me. To quote from my church bulletin:

"The word 'Maundy' is derived from the Latin, 'mandatum' which means commandment. In a Maundy Thursday Service, the Church worshipfully remembers that evening Jesus spent with His Disciples at the Last Supper, where He gave them the 'new commandment' in John 13:34. In that evening too, Jesus instituted the Holy Eucharist; washed the feet of His disciples; faced his struggle at Gethsemane; was later betrayed by Judas and abandoned by His disciples.

The liturgy of the Maundy Thursday Service, with the Tenebrae Readings in particular, leads the church to worshipfully re-enter that evening. Tenebrae is the Latin word for 'shadows'. By the Tenebrae Readings, the church is brought to sense for herself, the betrayal, the abandonment and the agony that Jesus endured... This is one of those few significant Services of the Church, where worship is understood to be possible and indeed profound, even when the situation is not joyful or celebrative'"

The message for today was taken from John 13:7-20, and again the pastor delivered an excellent expository teaching on the washing of feet by Jesus. Besides the usual interpretation of servant-leadership as embodied in the act of washing a follower's feet, the pastor says that the fact that the blood of Christ which overflows to the ground on Good Friday is in itself a symbolic act of cleansing that can wash away the sinful filth of believers who avail themselves to 'step' on the blood-stained ground on which Christ is the cornerstone. Hence Christ's subsequent respond to Peter - who wanted his head and hands to be cleaned by Jesus as well - that "the one who has bathed does not need to wash, except for his feet, but is completely clean".

Service ended with the traditional recitation of the Tenebrae Readings and the dimming of the lights, until the Church is in darkness, as a way to allow the congregation to worship in a grateful and purposeful manner. Personally, I felt that time kind of suspend itself during this Anglican tradition, and it is quite possible to 'enter' and 'relive' those moments with the Lord on his sense of foreknowledged betrayal.

You know how the Catholic traditions believes in the transubstantiation of the bread during communion; where the bread IS the Christ during the rite? Well, from Baudrillard's perspective, this is as 'real' as it can get when one seeks to inquire the reality of God, and the bread itself is reflective of Baudrillard's 3rd simulation. According to Baudrillard, Man's anxiety and fear that there is an absence of a 'real' entity often forces him to create a deterrence imagery which is neither true nor false. This explains why we have Disneyland, Las Vegas, Merlion and the likes. The fact that we fear that a real fantasy land, a myth or a folklore does not exist compels us to create a hyper real objective imagery that consequently allows to have a self-referential point to tell us that it exists. So even though there are neither indigenous lions nor mermaids in Southeast Asia, the fact that there is a Merlion gives us the possibility of creating new narratives in Singapore's 'ancient' history.

So with regards to transubstantiation, Baudrillard will probably say that Man's fear that God does not really exist compels believers to create and re-create traditions that will turn an absence into a reality. To some extent, I kind of agree with him with regards to the many empty signifiers that we experience in our daily traditions, most pertinently during chinese new year when we must do silly things like 'lao yu sheng' or in the first 12 years of our school life, when we must recite the pledge.

Back to Maundy Thursday...I kind of lost track here... but I think what I want to say is that if Christians, by default, have to believe in the existence of a spiritual world and a God that exists independently (or mutually dependent) of this real, boring and empty secular world, then there is enough legitimacy for Churches to continue certain traditions to help us to 'return' and 're-enter' into the spiritual world, and get some sort of real tangible communion with God. I think sjsm is pretty good in perfecting the art of facilitating deep and meaningful traditions, not so much as to negate the absence of God, but to manifest the reality of God in our lives. Believers can, to some extent, enter into Baudrillard's 4th simulations, where hyperreality takes a life of its own that is independent of reality. Maundy Thursday was quite significant for me not so much because it is a post-modern exercise, but maybe I think in our secular world, there is a growing need to not only remind ourselves, but to re-engage our body, heart, mind and soul into the Grand Narrative of God's reality.

Things that I've been doing

I have been resting well since last friday. Been reading a few books at the same time. Okie, maybe it is not quite the best way to relax, but I've finally get to read books that I've procrastinated for some while. Among them is 'The Histories' by Herodotus and a smelly book call 'A brief history of painting'. Herodotus is probably the only pre-modern greek post-modernist writer in ancient history, but maybe more about him some other time. 'A brief history of painting' is a smelly book because it basically summarizes all the important bits and pieces of art history for you, and it comes with nice glossy pictures to explain why certain pictures are painted in this way and that. So it is probably a good way for me to get started on a semi-serious interest in art history.

What else did I do besides reading? Was playing with sophie at james and ailing's place yesterday. I think sophie likes me, after I made her cry in the first 5 minutes...ha. Slept a lot today. And also cleared all my thesis readings. I dumped one big pile into the recycle box at the central library photocopy room today. Felt quite good that I'm saving trees. I honestly feel that global warming has arrived and every individual has a part to play to save the world. At least Christ won't perspire too much when He comes down the second time. I probably still got 4 more big piles to clear, including last semester's stuff. Will slowly dispose them over the next 2 weeks. Skyped a bit today too. Took a short afternoon nap after that before heading to bukit timah market for dinner with the tiertiary cell guys, and then church for holy devotion week. Ate lotsa salty chickens for supper after that.

I need to start my mini essay soon though. It is only 5 pages, but I think I should just try to do a decent job. This sunday we are also going to do a 'martin see' documentary at speakers' corner. Gonna film a short silent video on the empty speakers' corner, as part of our cyberart presentation for kt's module. Okie... not quite silent, cos we will juxtapose it with some silly racial harmony song in the post-production part. Oh well... my second last month as a ps undergrad... might as well just do something ridiculous (but critical) for once.

Who am I?

I was preparing for people ministry later in the day, and decided to use this song to anchor the closing part of the session.
As I was just running through the chords and lyrics, just got reminded of the casting crowns concert that I went last december, or was it november? Time and memories move in quite a flux eh? Just like what herodotus says: "No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man". Felt a strange surge and blend of hope, regret, sadness and joy as I just sing through it. I don't understand myself sometimes, am I ever the same man twice? I hope so... truly who am I eh?

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.

Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.

Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.

Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qk3FAyXcC40