Amazing g/race

Today I whispered to God that I think it is quite sad if the only way that I can feel his presence is either thru his blessings or absence of blessings.

Relationship with Him kinda becomes like a binary gate- I either switch off or on, depending on the distribution of blessings. Paradoxically, sometimes I prefer to switch off when the blessings start pouring; with a rather spoilt brat kind of rationality that those aren't the blessings that I was really pursuing. Also, I kinda switch on and become more resolute in prayer when times are tough, and the blessings aren't flowing in the right direction.

Still, I do want to thank God for showing so much grace to a brat like me... like today. He does communicate through other channels, if only I know how to open up my ears.Maybe it is a universal principle that when a particular reference point is lost in your life, even if it is just temporary, you realize how much the referent is really important in your life. I'm not sure how is that related to God's grace. I mean, I ask God.. how do I 'externalize' this knowledge of grace? How do I live it out? Hmmm... I don't know. Maybe He just wants me to keep on walking and stop asking too much questions.

Exams start tomorrow, but I'm really more concern with 28th April. The 'externalization' of God's grace seems to hang on that day; a precarious balance that lies between beauty and affliction. I would like to believe that God really designed this world for christian brats to abandon their senses and rationalities, to do something crazy in a world that articulates dullness as the order of the day. And it is not craziness for the sake of craziness, it is craziness that comes with the knowledge that you have already lost your reference point anyway.

Classmates

Ha ha, I seldom have class photos. So thought I'll just put it up for fun. Anyway, I think this was a good module. The classmates are quite fun, and the topics are subversive enough. This friday will be our 24 hour take home paper. Hope I'll still be smiling after that :p 

the reason between him and hague

okie... after trading one whole precious day of exam revision for a 1500-word essay, battling all the very bureaucratic admin red tapes, making the taxi driver do a U-turn cos I forgot to get another important document, a very very heavy downpour, and a very very bad headache, i finally submitted the application to ASEF.

It is a super long shot to get a legitimate reason to go to Europe. I did a cost/benefit analysis and a probability check with Daniel, and realize that I only have ((1/10) to the power of 3) probability to beat all the post graduate goliaths to go to Hague. Hague, by the way, is like the mecca for IR students, the north pole for polar bears, and the everest for all sherpas. But then again, maybe the reason goes deeper than just making a pilgrimage to Hague. Maybe it boils down to a reason that represents everything that makes me foolish, hopeful and yet hopeless from the beginning. I don't understand myself... grrr.

oh well... time to continue my exam revision. No time to lose.

missing/ inaction

Just when Tuesdays and Fridays offer brief reprieves to the dreary soul,
they have to disappear in a timely yet untimely manner.
And so it is, the story goes,
that a single verse may contribute hope,
that a single principle may change a perspective,
that a single doctrine may rescue a life.
A latent voice that cries for change,
a shifting voice that bears confusion,
and a gentle voice that is asking for help.
Who dictates the senses? Who is turning the tides?
The pain of self censorship destroys the being;
the dreary self lives on
in a zen like story that creates more melancholy than salvation.
It is time to save a soul.

When David meets good Goliath, and many other distractions

Had quite a good short chat with the good Goliath yesterday. He is the reigning king of PS department, who kinda ousted me during the george soros interview a few months back. Really quite a nice chap to talk to, and gave me quite a lot of advice on why I need to start to think about my honors thesis now, and who are the professors with the lobangs to the public service.

But till then, still got 4 essays more to go. 1 of each is 0% done, and the other about 60% done. I think I'm a slow writer.

I think I should focus more, and not be too distracted.