Perseverance

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Today was one of the days when I felt rather incompetent and incomplete. Had a meeting with Ian and Angel at the new youth room to run through some issues for the Sri Lanka expedition. In between, there were some phone calls made to SIF to double check the budget details. Although we managed to get some things done, I left the church feeling rather burdened.

It was then I realized that I'm actually really very tired, and drained in all aspects. It did not hit me during the exams, perhaps it was because I kept myself in a tunnel vision, and shut myself out from all other distractions such as msn, lunch meet-ups and even the usual night supper that my dad would buy back.

When you run a 200 metre race, the acidic build up in the muscles does not occur during the race but after the race itself. And today, I experienced the full blow of it. Nevertheless, a friend gave me this verse. It came as a surprise because I did not really share with her the fatigue that I'm experiencing, but just the "faithless-me" aspect that I tend to stuggle from time to time.

I suppose God is challenging me not just with respect to perseverance for the Sri Lankan trip, but to trust that His plans are bigger than what I can conceive. To some extent, I'm always searching, never stopping, and the race is made joyless though my own undoing. According to ISBE, faith that develops into perseverance is a matter of will power and not simply under necessity. It is not so much that I 'will' myself to believe in God, but the inner discipline to have a resolute conviction in His goodness in times of tribulations.

I hope God will build me up further through the SL trip and prepare me well as I take up more ownership in leading the junior cluster in the second half of the year. I tend to rely on my organization abilities and not so much on my spritual strength in church, and I have to reverse this trend if I want to achieve what James said as 'pure joy' in all the things that one does for God.

Meanwhile, I do feel the need to keep my friend in prayer too. I might be wrong, but I think she is beginning to find a renewed strength in Jesus after a hiatus. I pray that she will keep that going in her walk with God, and not let the long summer break nullify the spirit.

Prologue of a Semester

Melancholia is a madness without fever or frenzy accompanied by fear and sadness. He was moving too fast, as if there there were something to be understood immediately. Daybreak came, and he found in the distant horizon, a ship aptly named the Starlight Manifesto.

There were many people on board the Starlight Manifesto. In fact, they were all prisoners; some were prisoners of their own minds, victims of reasons that first gave them their humanity; others were chained to an iron cage, frenzily writing something - anything - on the floor. It was with such madness, and perhaps anguish, that the Starlight Manifesto surged ahead to a new horizon. Insanity ruled the sail while irrationalism guided the wheel.

Days turned into weeks, and he was getting used to the madness induced rigour in the Starlight Manifesto. Once in a while, another ship came along. It was the Ship of Ambivalence. People were drunk in the ship, and they were pouring wine into the sea. For a while, he thought that they were mad, but he realized that he was perhaps mad in their eyes too. He gazed at the Ship of Ambivalence with intrigue, sometimes with distaste, sometimes with envy, sometimes with joy. Once in a while, the Ship of Ambivalence will fire a light flare up in the sky. The flare was beautiful in the night sky, but it was not to last for long. Maybe it was a call for help, but the Ship of Ambivalence seems too perfect to be in need of any help. In fact the Ship of Ambivalence was everything the Starlight Manifesto was not. It was a luxury liner, with extra cabins to attract other sailors to come on board for a taste of their luxury. It was powered by 8 engines, and the 100 strong crew works day and night, with three shifts in a day.

The Starlight Manifesto, on the other hand, was in a wrecked state, and was sinking 21 cm every night. There were gaping holes everywhere; morale was running low, and food was scarce. He once overheard that if the Starlight Manifesto cannot reach their destination in time, only 3 will be selected to hop onto the Ship of Ambivalence, while the rest will perish with the ship. The irony is that no one really wants to be the selected one, because they have grown attached to the ship that they were chained to. The Starlight Manifesto is their reflection, and if death is impaling their senses, they will not exchange death for the comfortness of the Ship of Ambivalence.

But he was not sure himself. He was not too willing to die yet. But he supposed that if he can motivate the prison crew to steer the Starlight Manifesto, they might just make it in time.

Weeks turned into months, and for the very first time, a seagull landed on their stern. Surely land must be within sight! It should be noted that the Ship of Ambivalence has long sailed off in a different direction. Just then, something strange happened. He spotted a lighthouse 20 miles away from the starboard. He wasn't sure what prompted his actions. But he told the captain that he does not want to continue with the voyage anymore. No one really understood his reasons, for he did not really give any to begin with. Still, they were sympathetic to his desire to leave the ship. Afterall, he had done very well in his service while on board the Starlight Manifesto. They pack some fruits, gave him a small raft and bid him farewell.

This is his story thus far ...