efficiency!

its amazing how much i did in 45 mins from 815am to 9am:
1) pack my bag for camp (and realize I haven wash my sleeping bag since sri lanka, in which it accumulated enuff dirt from cambodia already, and the sleeping bag is not mine to begin with).
2) update my friendster in which I haven log in close to a year
3) email
4) blog
5) read my photography book

but since grp leaders are suppose to meet at 9am, it means that i'll still be late...darn...

time to rest

Yay, so exams finally ended, and I can finally rest for the good old month of december.

I realized I haven't really stop working/studying since the beginning of 2005. Looking back, it's really amazing how God has helped me pull through those difficult times when things look pretty bleak. I'm not sure how the exam results will turn out, but as far as I'm concerned, I think I did give my best shot. Perhaps that is what matters most, to fight with whatever I can, and have faith in whatever I can't. Ha.. did I just come up with another corny one liner??

Was thoroughly tired when I came home. Felt so drained all of a sudden. Yeah, so to answer the million dollar question, ha... I did not celebrate or do anything for my birthday. Was happy to spend time alone, and stone.

Bought a book though, I think the title sounds cool enough, Critical Theory for Photographers. In view of the somewhat waning interest in photography these days, I thought this book might help me open up some new perspectives of looking at a photo. I would not say that the book is exactly neo marxist or in the league of the Frankfurt school, but it does explore the different levels of interpretation of a photo, and how to enhance the melanchony of everyday objects.

Not so sure what is in store for the rest of the year. Think it will just be a time of rest, spend time with friends, and read a few good books.

So drained, yet somewhat liberated. :)

Burden?

Been feeling really soup up cramming in facts and figures on my short term memory. And its strange that all these weighty stuff seem lighter when my cell guy's mom gave me a ring and put a somewhat heavier burden on me.

I dunno... I suppose it has been on my heart to really mentor one or two lads this year. But somehow the plans have been shelved due to their excessive ccas or my own procrastination. I thought taking 4 modules this sem would have ease off my time, but the workload just kept piling up towards the middle of the sem. In-your-face concerns can really wipe out more important perspectives at times.

But then again, its has always been tough trying to break the ice and understand what they are really going through at their age. I don't even understand myself at times!

I ought to cut down my activities for next year, and take stock of what's costly and what's not. Was reminded by pro 17:24.

Its probably not too right to compartmentalize thoughts and feelings now, but I ought to give this final sunday one last shot in mugging for that increasingly irritating paper on "corruption and governance". Was actually cursing at the lecture notes before auntie called... sigh...

Probably can spend monday to reflect and think more coherently about pertinent stuff. I really hate public policies... think shall return to my philo roots next time.

Sabbath over; now for the final week!

Alright alright, so I slept at 11pm last night, my earliest bedtime in almost 3 months! I think camomile really works... though I think it tastes funny. Woke up at 7am and thought that I have finally got rid of the late night ghost in me.

Played soccer with my idiosyncratic cell group, and I think I'm not very fit these days. Couldn't run anymore and decided to be the keeper under the disguise of letting my cell guy have a chance to kick the ball. I think they have grown up, their shots are getting quite difficult to handle these days. Or maybe I'm just lousy.

Ended my sabbath with a afternoon nap, until I was awoken by a phone call by a classmate to discuss ... gahh.... exam questions! Was a bit off to do that kind of thing on a sunday afternoon. But oh well, I think its a timely reminder that my sabbath might be a bit pre mature.

Back to mugger reality, for just 8 more days!

***

Oh, and I think today's sermon on Noah is pretty apt, though I have been seeing it in the context of the animals coming into the ark. Okie, yeah, think I dun make a good preacher. Tend to interpret the bible in an out of context fashion. I think one thing that Ian shared about Noah's obedience, and 'obedience being more important than sacrifice' (1 Sam 15) got me thinking. I think that was Samuel's reply to Saul for sparing some tribes. Hmmm...i dunno... David said that he will not sacrifice things that cost him nothing (2 Sam, last chap). Oh well, i guess both verses ought to be read in their context.

I think there are some issues that I do find super costly to sacrifice. And 'cost' is such an undefinable and unpinnable abstraction. I mean ... how do u sacrifice something unreal but yet costly such as an epistemological phenomenology; like a 'thought bubble', a 'feeling', a 'potential'? Maybe it starts with the optimism of the will, a cruxification of the heart, and ... obedience? I dunno...

Snail

Sometimes I wonder which is more cruel, crushing a snail after it made an epic 24 hr journey across the zebra crossing, or putting that snail back in its original position?

Regardless of both choices, I think its quite beyond the snail's control. The snail is not designed to run!

Oh well, even the snail made it to Noah's ark.

Time is such a dilatible thing. The snail see things in terms of a past and a future. But the snail's Designer see things 'from' and 'for' eternity.

Maybe the snail is specifically designed to endure long suffering. Still, I think the worst thing for a snail is to hide in its shell.

The shell is made up of calcium. It's not strong. Better to crawl than to stay put.

Nonetheless, the snail will probably appreciate some help along the way. Maybe a bit of rain water, to make its journey less frictional.

A Constructed World

The week has been characterized by a slow awakening that

1) joy (and not external happiness... hmm.. i dunno how to explain) can be found when I try not to pursue it.

2) that there is something meaningful in the present now, though the future always seems quite meaningless.

Something to thank God for, considering how this whole semester is characterized by a bout of low confidence. Yeap... the ya ya papaya-ness in class is quite a false front; deep down somehow I'm just preparing myself for some catastrophic mayhem in the exams. I don't know, I think I really don't have enough foundation for level 3 modules this sem...considering that I'm technically a year 2 in arts since my year 1 was in computing.

Maybe at the point of giving up, God gives some of restoration and confidence. But I think He is restoring me not through academia, but through friends and changing perceptions. I'm not complaining though. There's a form of liberty these days.

It this liberty 'real'? Maybe its substance is put to the test when a castastrophe really happens; and then I'll know if my liberty is a false construct. Okie, I'm not wishing for a castastrophe, but at the same time I'm curious if I'm living in false consciousness.

Somehow, I think a lot depends on what I know, and not know, what I choose to do, and what I choose not to do. I do like to live in ignorance, but I think ignorance is a false consciousness. False consciousness gives happiness. Truth, whatever that means, gives joy.

Sometimes I wonder if I should enter that self-imposed castle? Maybe not, I lack the courage. Happiness will suffice for now. Or maybe I should just destroy the walls.

Double constructs

Exam Thought of the day

I've been studying about the World Bank for my corruption & governance module. Judging by their journals and reports, they seem like nice guys, with so many plans and strategies to help fight corruption in developing countries; lifting them out of poverty.

Then I turned to my IR module, and they painted World Bank (and IMF) in an entirely different light. These guys are basically suckers in a world conspiracy to make the poor poorer, and the rich more powerful, by siphoning all their resources and sending them into a viscious debt cycle.

Is this the new machiavellian robin hood?

Peripheral thought of the day

Thought bubbles are like germs. They coalesce and multiply in your mind, until it compels you to make some sort of an action. Unfortunately, during the thought-action process, you become stuck in some sort of an indeterminate reality; "should I or should I not?"

And when you finally transfer all those thoughts into words, all the thoughts are smashed by the invisible particles of reality. So somehow, the intention wasn't really conveyed in the best possible manner, and you have to squint your eyes to read between those lines, the words that underlined the thoughts.

Photos that cost me Something

Argh! Sometimes technnology really grips you. You see, I store all my photos in ofoto (yes yes...the world has moved on to flicker...i know), and for the past month, they've been sending emails that I need to make at least one purchase off their online store in order for me to continue ofoto for another 12 months.

Of course, I deleted all these marketing emails, knowing that at the back of my mind, I'll transfer all these photos to a cd and flicker. But then, I haven't had the time to either transfer and burn all the photos. And my laptop has been a bit cranky and I'm afraid my photos will be gone before I can even transfer them. And today is the last day ofoto is going to maintain my account.

So I did the next best thing ... I bought just one of my own prints ... a picture of Angkor Wat that I took last year. Oh well, it's only $0.15. But these folks at Kodak are going to print it in USA!!! And so I have to pay another extra 5 bucks ... or 10 sing dollars.. for that silly photo to ship across the Pacific ocean into my doorsteps!!!

***
When I was in Sri Lanka and Seoul, I took some photos with me and slot it into my journal, so that it serves as some sort of an encouragement when times are tough or boring. Hmmm...I kinda lost one photo in Seoul, which is quite sad. Oh well, I guess I intentionally lost it. I'm not sure what I meant by that, but yeah ... I lose it alright.

I think if a photo only captures 1/60th of a second of life, it doesn't really quite represent the true emotions, or the strength of the friendship that seems so strong in the photo. At the most, the framing and angling of the photo, the positioning of the people, their smiles and gaze into the lense, are a contextual representation of the circumstances of those times, times that bond friends together in ways that are best remembered as interstices of life.

So maybe I held on to that 1/60th second for a tad too long, and I decided to lose it along the way in Seoul. Ah well ... maybe that is why I like to take pictures of strangers, they are less disturbing to me. No strings attached, just my own gaze into their 1/60th.