A Constructed World

The week has been characterized by a slow awakening that

1) joy (and not external happiness... hmm.. i dunno how to explain) can be found when I try not to pursue it.

2) that there is something meaningful in the present now, though the future always seems quite meaningless.

Something to thank God for, considering how this whole semester is characterized by a bout of low confidence. Yeap... the ya ya papaya-ness in class is quite a false front; deep down somehow I'm just preparing myself for some catastrophic mayhem in the exams. I don't know, I think I really don't have enough foundation for level 3 modules this sem...considering that I'm technically a year 2 in arts since my year 1 was in computing.

Maybe at the point of giving up, God gives some of restoration and confidence. But I think He is restoring me not through academia, but through friends and changing perceptions. I'm not complaining though. There's a form of liberty these days.

It this liberty 'real'? Maybe its substance is put to the test when a castastrophe really happens; and then I'll know if my liberty is a false construct. Okie, I'm not wishing for a castastrophe, but at the same time I'm curious if I'm living in false consciousness.

Somehow, I think a lot depends on what I know, and not know, what I choose to do, and what I choose not to do. I do like to live in ignorance, but I think ignorance is a false consciousness. False consciousness gives happiness. Truth, whatever that means, gives joy.

Sometimes I wonder if I should enter that self-imposed castle? Maybe not, I lack the courage. Happiness will suffice for now. Or maybe I should just destroy the walls.