Amazing g/race

Today I whispered to God that I think it is quite sad if the only way that I can feel his presence is either thru his blessings or absence of blessings.

Relationship with Him kinda becomes like a binary gate- I either switch off or on, depending on the distribution of blessings. Paradoxically, sometimes I prefer to switch off when the blessings start pouring; with a rather spoilt brat kind of rationality that those aren't the blessings that I was really pursuing. Also, I kinda switch on and become more resolute in prayer when times are tough, and the blessings aren't flowing in the right direction.

Still, I do want to thank God for showing so much grace to a brat like me... like today. He does communicate through other channels, if only I know how to open up my ears.Maybe it is a universal principle that when a particular reference point is lost in your life, even if it is just temporary, you realize how much the referent is really important in your life. I'm not sure how is that related to God's grace. I mean, I ask God.. how do I 'externalize' this knowledge of grace? How do I live it out? Hmmm... I don't know. Maybe He just wants me to keep on walking and stop asking too much questions.

Exams start tomorrow, but I'm really more concern with 28th April. The 'externalization' of God's grace seems to hang on that day; a precarious balance that lies between beauty and affliction. I would like to believe that God really designed this world for christian brats to abandon their senses and rationalities, to do something crazy in a world that articulates dullness as the order of the day. And it is not craziness for the sake of craziness, it is craziness that comes with the knowledge that you have already lost your reference point anyway.