Meaninglessness and Meaningfulness

Lately, I've been able to meet up with a few friends from college days. Most of them are on pretty good career tracks and pursuing what they are good at... Benny is going to GIC, Derrick is going to MAS, CC is going to A*star etc etc. It inevitably forces me to probe myself with very basic questions. And these questions are further problematized for people like me who aren't the best in our own fields, but who are not exactly that bad either. Well, I guess its 'middle' people like us who are in a perpetual state of dilemma. On the one hand, we are not automatically thrusted with big-time opportunities to pursue the specialized fields that we are passionate about. On the other other hand, we are not exactly in the lowest rungs of our fields; this means that we do not have to resign ourselves to whatever available options that are left, and there is always that fighting chance to pursue the field that we are passionate about. Still, the temptation to doubt my own aspiration can be strong, especially when I meet up with old friends who are embarking on the scientific/engineering path to glory. CC was explaining to me just now the big national blue print that Philip Yeo has for SMEs and research institutes in Singapore and where the golden pot lies in terms of his engineering career. I felt kind of stupid giving him my personal views about the political history of Singapore, and why he should undrstand his right of voting. I think I make a good story teller, that's about it. This country, at the end of the day, does not really need social scientists. Well, I think the good thing - or maybe bad thing in the long run - is that I am quite clear on the tangibles and intangibles that define my ultimate happiness or 'meaningfulness' in life. To begin with, I think it is hard to define 'meaningfulness'. You kind of know it when you get it. I probably won't settle for anything less until I get that 'meaningfulness' right. It means that there will be a lot of trial and errors, and perhaps even an entire lifetime of meaninglessness to reach that endpoint, which ironically, is probably the most meaningful thing that can happen to a human individual; that he is able to focus so intensely on what he believes in, such that it doesn't really matter anymore whether he is able to actualize his value system. I think that is what motivates the apostles, for they have tasted the sweetness and lightness of being, and any compromise on their part is necessarily, emotionally and logically, a regression of their own emanicipation; they do not and cannot deny Christ because they have tasted objective truth. For me, receiving grace and strength come from those rare moments of deep and resolute quiet time when I can to some extent sense the sweetness and lightness of my role and purpose in this wild and fleeting life. The line between foolishness and wisdom, or between reality and idealism, is dissolved immediately because the most meaningless of all pursuits in my life has become the defining part of my identity. How can anyone trade his precious identity away in this wild and fleeting life is a malaise that I cannot understand, nor dare to fathom.