pretty dull company over here

Recently, over the mission 'boot' camp, and the global day of prayer at the national stadium, a question struck me which I don't have an answer to it. I suppose this question has nothing to do with the mission fields per se, but rather the heart of the missionary.

One of the lessons that I received is that God has visions and dreams for us that are a hundred times better than our own plans - if only we take that first step to give up our own dreams.

I suppose most christians are familiar with that lesson. But personally speaking - and please pardon my sincere imperfect human opinion - I don't agree with that view. Or maybe I am just like that fish in a glassbowl which refuses to accept the view that there is indeed a bigger ocean out there waiting for me to embrace. I mean, if a good and loving God does want to send a message to one of His creations, i.e mortals like you and me, that He has a specific and divine purpose for me to seek and chase after His heart in the short cosmic time that I have on earth, shouldn't He convict my heart and not just my mind?

When I meant 'mind', I meant it as a metaphor to represent all my rationalities, knowledge and observations that I can process to make rational decisions. Over the past few months, I suppose I have gathered enough 'metaphors' to suggest that a door is closing in my life, through friend's advice, silence, and plain common sense.

To some degree, that hurts.

Of course, God is not expecting me to be a clown and put on a wide grin on my face in my everyday life. Besides, I rather be brutally honest with myself and perceive the supposingly colorful world in shades of black and white. Maybe in the last two to three years, I have learnt to appreciate the world in monotones, i.e to come to terms with a less than 100% joyful persona in dealing with myself. But is it possible that God expects a person to fulfill His divine purposes - plans that are a hundred times better than his own agendas - in a less than 100% joyful heart?

I don't know. I have yet to hear testimonies and stories of people who weep in their hearts while they serve God.

I'm smashing my head against the glassbowl to convict my heart that I can be joyful in my everyday life.