Who is running the race for the rat?

It is not that I am not praying.
It is because I am not sure how to pray.
Or where should I start in my prayer?

The church camp last year warns me of the danger of running the rat race, and emphasize the need to run God's race. I really believe in that and I still do, and I think it somehow really convicted me of the passion to chase the so called three desires of my heart.

Three months on, I think I am still running it. But you know, sometimes things aren't just so pleasantville and simple and kind. Running God's race requires some sort of super uber tunnel vision, to really cast aside the obligations and expectations of the world. And sometimes, I'm not even sure if I am running the right race for God. My own little life journey has taught me that things that seem so right can go mega really wrong; and things that seem so wrong somehow turn out pretty right. How can I be sure that the heart is not deceptive above all things?

I think I'm finding it hard to explain to a few folks why I'm trying to really pack my summer holiday. A really simple and straight forward answer is that I hate the feeling of idleness, which sometimes comes with the bonus package of loneliness.

But a deeper answer is probably due to my own strange psychological make up. Have you ever felt that a bad experience or lesson in the earlier part of your life just kinda forms your character and outlook in the later part of your life, even many years down the road? For example, maybe a particular failure in the earlier part of your life can either make you more of a perfectionist in order to get back into the game, or makes you avoid the game at all cost. Or maybe the tragic loss of a friend just makes you want to avoid losing any more friends by having no friends at all?

So perhaps I just have a really bad case of idleness during my first year of summer holiday, which resulted in a chain reaction effect of many many more bad experiences. And I do not want that to happen again.

I want to push idleness as far away as possible, so that I won't be stuck in a vulnerable position. I want to be somehow distracted by the rat race so that I can really focus on what convicted me last year. God willing, He will change my conviction, either through His own voice or through some divine tragedies. But the last thing I want is for my own hands to take away what drives my heart. That will be a tragedy to those who feel, a solution to those who wept, and a comedy for those who laugh.

I don't think anyone in this part of the world will understand.