Is that really You God?

Some of my friends probably know that I feel (I can't say that I'm convicted yet) that God has been urging me to take a year out to serve Him after I graduate. However, I've been bombarded by so much distractions in the past 3 weeks that I was asking myself if I had heard God correctly. I kept bumping into friends, seniors or professors who would advise and encourage me to consider the various opportunities in overseas post-grad studies, scholarships, and working in MFA, MINDEF blah blah blah, to the point that I was pretty convinced that maybe serving Him for a year was just a figment of my imagination.

It is quite strange and ironic that sue somehow reminded me of my 'calling' this week. And just this morning, over my sleepy quiet time, I prayed that God will help me find the resolve to have faith in Him. The 'test' came later at night, when I received an invitation letter from a high-power agency for a tea session. I guess most upper hons. students in my batch would have received it, and I was really quite tempted to sign up for the tea session. Besides, there is really no harm going for some high tea in a 5 star hotel. But I do know that one thing leads to another, and knowing myself, I probably would have been lured by the prospects of working there.

So, after a bit of a struggle in the kitchen, I finally threw the letter into the chute before my brain could register the email address that I was suppose to reply. I think my heart sank a little, cos there goes the opportunity of acquainting myself with a (really) high-paying job.

Allowance has been slightly tight in the past month; it took me a while to realize that I burned quite a hole in Europe. Tight allowance makes me ponder what it means to live a simple life for God. Mom has been asking what I want to do after I graduate. She is not a christian, so I find it hard just to find the right words to tell her what is really going through in my mind. So usually I just end up giving really lousy replies like "see how" or "I'm not thinking about it yet"; or I'll just become really quiet.

It is an ironic tragedy that the people that feature so much in my thoughts usually wither away in the realm of my self-censorship.

I think if I so decide to just go with the flow and get a job after I graduate, I would just honestly tell people that I lack the courage and faith to follow His calling, instead of mincing my words and say otherwise. Honesty is the least that I could do.