Epilogue to a narrative that neither has an Introduction nor an End

Maybe that is as postmodern as it can get to my sojourn in four European countries -Netherlands, Belgium, Germany and Austria. Looking back, I really enjoyed the times there; times spent with God, friends and just being myself.

However, I felt that it was a sojourn that really did not have a introduction per se; it was unexpected, unplanned, rash. I still remember when I submitted the 1500 word essay on that cold rainy afternoon, I was telling myself that it was probably the most ridiculous thing that I could have done when the exams for my weakest module - contemporary chinese politics - was just a day ahead.

So anyway, somehow, I managed to bump my way into a 2 week summer exchange that was really amazing. Notwithstanding the free flow of wine and fine cuisine everyday (paid by the taxpayers of Asia and Europe of course), I think the one outstanding fact was that there weren't any cliques, and people just got along with one another in such a sincere and warm manner. It was also a time when I felt pretty affirmed in my post grad directions, although right now I'm not exactly in the best spiritual disposition to feel that calling. Been a bit withdrawn after coming back.

The following 2 weeks were a confluence of highs and lows. Like what I told a friend, for every three days of feeling good, I'll get one day of crap. So I think I had two days of crap, once in Dresden, once in Munchen. In Munchen, it was in a park off the museums that I sort of just broke down while doing my Quiet Time. I wasn't sure what triggered the breaking down. I vaguely remembered that I was asking God a lot of perplexing questions. For instance, I felt that the exchange really gave me the confidence to work in a high power sort of job, such as in MFA or in SID. But yet at the same time, I am pretty clear in my heart that God does not want me to go in that direction, at least not immediately after I graduate. So it is strange that God reveals the possibility of life on the other side, only to create some sort of Cosmic Great Reversal to crucify my passion. It pretty much goes the same way in other departments of my life. So yeah.. maybe the accumulation of unanswered questions made me broke down in the park.

But don't get me wrong, I don't feel that I was being abnormal or anything. I think it is liberating in a strange sort of way to break down in a strange foreign land, and in a park, thousands of miles away, and then just move on. And really move on.

So my trip ended in Baden, where I stayed at Constantine's house. He is a great Austrain pal that I got to know during the exchange. This place was pretty much the 6th avenue of Austria, comes with a wine cellar, a personal gym, a gong left by suharto, a real music jukebox, fruit trees, a pond and a jacuzzi. The last night was a bit excessive though. Hmmm... confession time... I smoked some crap... I wasn't sure what it was, all I know was that it gave me a really bad splitting headache the next day, and somehow it makes you hard to sleep? Was pretty thankful I made it back to essen alive. Just conk out after that.

So yeah, perhaps I ended my sojourn without an ending. Unanswered questions. Expected affirmations. Spiltting headache. And a dip in my walk with God (although it is a predictable pattern, I always feel low in the immediate days following an overseas trip).

But I just want to thank God for everything. Things are clearer yet unclear at the same time. I feel raring to go for my honours year. At the back of my mind, I just want to finish my final year really well. I thought that will give me the confidence to take one year off, before I come back to NUS to apply for some scholarship. It is still Thailand and Indochina for that one year off. I hope that narrative stays, even if others get erased.